Mom, Party Of One!

This is a pic from a pre-baby #3 night away, but it fits perfectly for this post! 

Tonight I'm having a rare moment that needs to happen more often. I'm having the night off while my husband is at home wearing our 8 month old baby in the Moby wrap trying to wrangle a 4.5 year old and a 7 year old to bed while I sit here writing, reading, munching on munchies and basically effing off.  Exhale.....

I deserve it! 

I work very, very, very hard.


I'm a stay at home mom of 3 small kids and my days and nights never ever, ever end. I'm not being overly dramatic either. My 8 month old is attached to my breast all hours of the day and night, waking about every 45 minutes to breastfeed during the night due to teething and growth spurts - so at this point in my motherhood career I'm permanently on call - at the mercy of a tiny human who can eat for days and loves to snuggle his mama. I know this too shall pass and someday I'll tell a new mom holding a newborn in a grocery store how I really miss nursing my babies -- but for now I'm just fricken exhausted. I'm always at the brink of these huge blow-out, break-down tears and I'm always trying to work out how I can get my next fix;

A.K.A. a nap.

I'm suffering from postpartum depression (PPD) and even though I have several recent posts sitting in my drafts folder that talks about it, I haven't been able to finish any of them to post them on my blog. I think because maybe it's too heavy...?  I'm living it so it doesn't feel like something "fun" to write about. It feels too raw, even though I know I need to write about it so I can get the ball rolling on my healing.  But I do mean to post these blogs because I need to do this for myself and because I think it might help someone somewhere to know they are not alone in their dealing with PPD. I'm determined to bring some normalcy to it to help release the stigma. I didn't ask for PPD. I'm not feeling this way because I needed another project on top of having small children, trying to keep house, cook healthy meals for my family, breastfeed a baby and homeschool for the second year and oh yea, try to get my body back after having 3 kids too. Let's not even get to my freelance writing or my blog writing or children's book writing because right now those are pretty non-existant. So if you are reading this and can relate to any of these words regarding the PPD then please let me know in the comments below. You're not alone, My Friend!  In fact, you can join me in bailing water out of the sometimes sinking ship. I'd love the conversation! Let's start a PPD hashtag on Twitter to get more support.

#PPDsupport  (Click for more articles on my blog relating to PPD)

So, I have my pretty good, so so days and my horrible days and not many in between. In fact most have been the latter. I have a lot of horrible days lately. Then the kids go to bed way past their bedtime and I sit in my rocker feeling guilty from my horrible mood during the day or how much I yelled at the kids or how tired I was and how many times I dozed off in my rocker while nursing Baby Brother while the kids were playing Lego's, Magna-Tiles or Calico Critters or watching Wild Krats or something. Usually TV though. So I sit there nursing a tiny Baby Man who has also fallen asleep (but might wake if you move him) and my husband and I contemplate having a bowl of ice cream and what we should watch on Hulu and all seems to be OK for a bit because I start to recognize myself again and I recognize my husband again and laughter comes out of our mouths reminding me of the two young lovers who sat at the dinner table for hours drinking wine and talking about everything under the sun as opposed to the frustrated words of two over-tired, overworked, exasperated parents who can't get one word in to each other all evening, that isn't about the kids or work or regarding the mess and the stress. Our stressful mess. Then, regretfully, I stay up way too late because I'm trying to have some time alone in the quiet and peaceful stillness of my soul...

Exhale...

I'm not a morning person. At. All. I never have been - since birth, probably. I am always too tired. Too depleted and never feel rested. For as long as I can remember I have tried to see just how many more minutes of sleep I can eek out in the morning before I have to get my fat, tired ass into the bathroom to pee then off to fight with wake up two grumpy kids who are way too much like their mother...

This week I have been trying to change some things to heal my PPD naturally:

• I have decided to get back on my supplements and vitamin routine so my energy doesn't "bottom out" like it does without them.
• I have been trying to juice everyday and incorporate more fresh, raw, organic veggies into my diet overall.
• I have been trying to avoid the "quick-fix" yet damaging snacks (bowls of cereal, mostly) because I don't think the processed wheat is doing me any favors. In fact, it's just time to admit already that we're simply not friends anymore. It makes me too angry. 
• I have been trying to think more positively and eliminate any extra drama. 
• I'm trying to get out in nature daily or do something fun (like take the kids swimming at the water park) as many days of the week as possible.
• I have been trying to not yell as much in the mornings to get the kids ready and out of the house. This one is hard!  My family is really bad at getting going and I need to be better about my prep the night before to ensure smoother morning transactions. Dilly Dallier/Time Waster/Procrastinator Extraordinaire 

(I need to change that!)

I have been trying to go see a therapist and I intend to make an appointment with a new Naturopathic Doctor my friend told me about, but both of those things take a lot of time and a lot of money. Mostly because they are not covered under insurance at all. Much like most natural healing things, or more natural healthcare. They also add a bunch of added stress because I need to deal with child care and schedule time for that and then there's the whole, trying-to-get-everyone-out-of-the-house-on-a-certain-time-frame, fiasco.

I'm having a hard time at this whole motherhood thing right now. You'd think that after 7 plus years I'd be better at it, but not so much these days. I feel like most days need a do-over.

So for now I'm trying to do as many things as I can naturally or for free. Taking a walk in nature is free and provides more stress relief than medication or therapy combined. I just need to find a way to get the energy to actually do it, then figure out how I can make it last.

Until next time...

Thanks for reading and thanks for being a friend of MyTalesFromTheCrib!  Come say "Hi" on Twitter!  However, I'm no longer on Facebook and here's why: 

Why I Deleted Facebook The Day My Child Started Kindergarten

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Happy 39th Birthday To Me!

It's the last year of my 30's. Wow, that kind of seems crazy because I feel like I was just in my 20's a few years ago. On my 30th birthday my brand new husband and I were getting on a plane to move to the Island of Kauai. It was a very exciting time. We had just gotten married and the world was at our feet. That seems like yesterday yet we're already talking about what we should do for our 10 year Anniversary next year. I will be turning 40 next year as well, so we definitely need to do something fun. Maybe take a weekend cruise with the kids? Maybe renew our vows?  Maybe head back to where we spent our honeymoon or where we spent our first wedding anniversary? Not sure. But we'll have to do something awesome for sure.

But today I'm 39 and at this point in my life I'm just in survival mode. I have an 8 month old breastfed baby who demands the bar to stay open all hours of the night and day. I have a 4 & 1/2 year old who is riding the delicate balance between wanting to be a big kid and still wanting to be mama's baby, and I have a 7 year old who is keeping me on my toes every hour of the day while I try to figure  this parenting thing out. Most days with this bunch I feel like a complete and utter failure. I never feel as though I make the right decisions or the right in-the-moment-choices, and I feel like I'm behind the 8 ball most of the time. That is probably a huge factor in my PPD (Postpartum Depression) right now for sure. It has taken a tight hold around my neck hard this time. But who am I kidding, no one really wants to hear about that. It's a total buzz kill even if it is my truth and my reality.

So today is my birthday and I feel tired, worn out and struggling with what to do and how to keep the daily schedule. When you're a mom of 3 kids every day is the same regardless if it's your birthday, a day running errands or if you're on a family cruise in the Mediterranean Ocean. It's all just survival mode, am I right ladies? If you are shaking your head no, then do me a favor and PLEASE fill us all in with your secrets in the comments section. I'm dying to know!

On this joyous day of 8's (August 8th), my little family and I are heading to the bay to swim the day away. When I was in my 20's my ideal birthday would be a champagne brunch on the beach with all-I-could-drink mimosas and all-I-could-eat super rich brunch fare, but today my hubby went to our favorite breakfast burrito take out place (because the baby was nursing/napping) and brought home some yummy breakfast burritos and fresh squeezed orange juice and we sat at our picnic bench under our covered patio in the back yard with the kids being silly and the baby eating a mum mum in his high chair and Jack Johnson playing on the iTunes. The sun was shining, there was a nice breeze keeping us cool and everyone was laughing and smiling and toasting me for my birthday.

A lot has changed over the years and even after being a mom for the 3rd time, clocking over 7 years I still feel the daily struggle. However, I've got my awesome hubby at my side feeling like I can conquer anything and today I wouldn't have it any other way. Warts and all.

Happy 39th Birthday to me! May this year be filled with new adventures, renewed passions and dreams and more failures because that is where I get my good writing material.

Cheers to 39! And Cheers to all my fellow Leo's out there!  Grrrrr!

If you want instant good blogging Karma points then just hit the share button to your favorite site below!  Simple as that!

This pic really has nothing to do with my 39th birthday other than I have this look on my face a lot most days and I love this movie. But other than that I wasn't in a wedding dress looking depressed because I totally married the right guy!
"If you're a bird then I'm a bird too."

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Daily Gratitude Journal: The Calm After The Storm

Sunday...

Beach towels and bathing suits drying on the line after a long day at the water park. 

I realized I needed to sit down and focus on what I'm grateful for before I blow a gasket. I'm seeing a pattern here of me getting incredibly frustrated at some point during the day and then realizing I need to sit down and reconnect with my gratitude. 

One of our dear children was playing around in the bathroom which resulted in an almost clogged toilet, and an entire roll of toilet paper and the plastic spinner (both at different times) go for a swim with a brown trout in the Yellow River. 

Not cool! 

Then Mr. Baby Love himself decided to flood his new high chair with poop. I say "flood" because if you are familiar with the poop of a breastfed baby then you're aware of the gold-ish, brown-ish, liquid baby poop of which I speak. 

Mix that in with a fussy, overtired, hungry baby who just took a post-poop explosion tub, fold in two overtired, and overexposed kids from too much sun and fun from the water park, swirled around with them not wanting to take a tub, sprinkled all over my annoyance of the regular day-to-day drama that happens in a family and you have one very crabby, very yell-y mama. 

There. I said it. I yell at my kids when I've been pushed past my limit. 

Then I feel shitty about it and sit down to write a Daily Gratitude Post. 

I'm human. And some days I'm a really sucky human. 

Time to chill out, close my eyes for a bit while I love up on a tiny little breastfeeder who's all warm and clean and soft and calm and smelling sweet from his tub and think about more positive things from the day and from my life before I change the title of this post from Daily Gratitude Journal to Today's Rant And Grumblings Of A Crabby Mom. 

The kids had fun at the water park and they swam their hearts out. We've been waiting for months for it to open - for it to finally be summertime so we could spend long days swimming like fish once again and it's here! 

Daily Gratitude Journal: Sunday

1. I'm so grateful that my husband and I have taught our children how to "find their own fun" as I always say. They have dealt with the harsh realities of "being bored." They have learned that the world is not going to provide entertainment for them at every turn simply because they are bored. They have discovered that after about 10-15 minutes of being left alone to "find their own fun" after they have loudly proclaimed their boredom! (and quickly realized that they either do something or its time for chores), they are capable of inventing some great fun for themselves. Because of this they make up their own games, they go on adventures in the backyard finding new discoveries, they prefer to picnic outdoors for every meal, they build entire worlds out of dirt, leaves, bits of grass, picked flowers, pinecones, sticks and rocks. My daughter calls them "squirrel nests" or "animal hospitals" or "animal hotels."  They have grown into true nature children who enjoy being outside and I'm so, so, so grateful for that. 

2. I'm incredibly grateful that my mom's eye is feeling better after kind of a freaky scare the last few days. Nobody wants anything to go wrong with their eyeballs or God forbid their sight! I'm also grateful for ER docs and nurses and smart folks who are on call to help in these stressful & unnerving times. 

3. I'm grateful for the calmness of the evening after bedtime. For crickets chirping outside and gentle breezes dancing with the leaves on our orange tree and the house not quite sure what to do with itself now that the kids aren't tormenting it so it just stays still and waits for morning. 

4. I'm grateful for getting a time out and for reset buttons where kids cool off in tubs and mommies cool of in rocking chairs and daddies cool off in garages and babies cool off by filling their bellies full of warm milk and then everyone happily comes back together once the beasties have melted away and the lights are low and kids hair is cool and wet and daddies have gotten their tinkering fix and mommies feel rested and calm - taking deeper breaths, longer breaths and kisses are now replacing yells and hugs are replacing huffs and smiles are replacing snarls and yawns are replacing wild animal cries and, "Goodnight's" and "I love you's" are replacing the, "stop arguing's!" and the, "because I said so's!" 

5. I'm so grateful for evenings. So, so, so incredibly grateful. Evenings, glorious evenings. 

My happy lil 6 month old nursling

My Daily Goal: I will take a picture each day that brings me happiness and I will post it along with my list of 5 things I'm grateful for. I invite you to do the same!  These are not listed in order of importance. That is too much pressure for this writing exercise. I am just free flowing as I write and trying to be genuine in my thoughts and emotions and writing what I feel at the moment. Please join me! @coco_cana #DailyGratitudeJournal

For further reading: My Daily Gratitude Journals

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Daily Gratitude Journal: Saturday Day #2

Today has already seen some battle scars and it's just barely the mid afternoon. We had a tiny glass bowl with freshly prepared, homemade organic carrots for the baby get knocked off the table, crashing to the floor that ended in tiny glass shards mixed with bright orange puree all over the kitchen. I even found a chunk of glass down the hall, around the corner under a blanket along with my patience. 

Today's lesson: No glass bowls for baby food. I hold it anyway, but still. 

However, my husband did wake before me taking the crying baby to the diaper changing area. He then proceeded to entertain said baby while I slept. Upon waking up #AwesomeHusband took it upon himself to make the family, "Surfer's Delight" a dish he invented which is basically a fancy breakfast burrito with scrambled eggs & melted cheese, crispy bacon, crispy hash browns rolled in a buttered pan fried tortilla, served with Cholula. 

"Yes, Please!" 

Yes he really is a keeper!  Did I mention he also made my latte this morning?  Oh I didn't?  I guess I didn't want to seem like I'm bragging.

However, when you have a family of 5 with kids 7 years old to 6 months old, there will be drama, fights, tantrums, whining, lots of stink face, pushing on the iPad couch and feet kicking each other under the breakfast table regardless of how tight my latte foam is, how long I got to sleep in or how crispy the bacon crumbles are.

This is life as a parent. It's not glamorous, but it can be very beautiful if you don't mind things sticky.

Here's my attempt to find the beauty in today to get rid of my being annoyed. I feel like it's working already.

My Daily Goal: I will take a picture each day that brings me happiness as well and post it along with my list of 5 things I'm grateful for. I invite you to do the same!  These are not listed in order of importance. That is too much pressure for this writing exercise. I am just free flowing as I write and trying to be genuine in my thoughts and emotions and writing what I feel at the moment. Please join me! @coco_cana #DailyGratitudeJournal

Daily Gratitude Journal #2

1. I'm so grateful for my little baby boy who just turned 6 months old yesterday. He has the chubbiest cheeks and two of the tiniest teeth that stick out when he smiles creating dimples in his big apple cheeks. It should really be illegal to be that cute and not have a spot on Ellen already.

2. I'm so incredibly grateful and lucky for my husband. #obvs

3. I'm grateful for the days when my kids entertain themselves out in nature for hours and don't say, "I'm bored!" every 5 seconds making me say, "If you're bored I'll give you something to clean" making me sound like my mom when I was a kid!  Or my personal favorite from my food serving days, "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean!"  My kids LOVE this one!

4. I'm grateful for TV for the days that don't go according to #3. Yea, that's right. I said it. I let my kids watch TV when we're having a shitty day and mama needs some peace and quiet. Even if the day is rad, it gets turned on sometimes. C'est la vie!

5. I'm grateful for Wild Krats, Octonauts, Peg + Cat, nature shows geared towards kids, most stuff on PBS, and any other type of learning TV show where my kids can become enlightened or educated while mama needs some peace and quiet while I breastfeed the baby. We have only 1 TV in the house and it's in the living room along with my nursing chair. That's how, brah.

...off to the water park for some summertime family fun and reconnecting.

My kids. Totally entertaining themselves for hours on end with a picnic outside playing with bugs and fruit trees, digging for worms and making mud pies. The thought of it makes me exhale with about 8 minutes of inner peace...until someone gets a mudpie in the face. Then I'm annoyed. Again. 

For further reading: My Daily Gratitude Journals

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Daily Gratitude Journal: Friday Day #1

I just read a post by Mummy and Monkeys  where she writes a weekly gratitude list of 5 things and it really inspired me to write my own list. At this point in my life I need to try to do this daily. My littlest guy just turned 6 months old today! 

Happy half a year my sweet little love! 

Why I'm doing this: I also have a 7 year old and a 4 & 1/2 year old. I've been homeschooling this year for 1st grade for the first time on top of having a newborn and so life has been challenging to say the least. I have dealt with postpartum depression (PPD) in the past and I feel like I have been dealing with it again this time around as well. So for these reasons I really need to do a daily gratitude list for myself. 

My Daily Goal: I will take a picture each day that brings me happiness as well and post it along with my list of 5 things I'm grateful for. I invite you to do the same!  These are not listed in order of importance. That is too much pressure for this writing exercise. I am just free flowing as I write and trying to be genuine in my thoughts and emotions and writing what I feel at the moment. 

Daily Gratitude Journal #1

1. I'm so grateful for my extremely helpful husband and loving children. Without them I'm not sure where I would be in my life. I wouldn't have nearly as much love and laughter as I do now, so I thank them for that.

2. I'm so grateful for how helpful my 7 year old is with her baby brother. I have a bad back from a few different car accidents and she has held the baby for me so many times, especially after sitting for a while nursing him I get really tight and it's hard to get out of the chair holding a heavy baby so she will hold him for me while I get up. She's amazing!

3. I'm grateful for our home espresso machine so I can save money and make lattes at home using my raw, organic milk and natural, organic creamer and have a real coffee snob moment at home each day while I tamper my grounds and steam my hipster milk.

4. I'm grateful for learning how to cook years ago and for having the confidence to get creative in the kitchen in order to provide my family with healthy home cooked meals each night where I know exactly what is in each dish we eat. And they love my cooking, so that is a bonus!  Not too many dinner time fights. 

5. I'm grateful for my two little boys who light up my life and melt my heart with their smiles. Here is a pic of my "big" little guy who is growing up so fast and who is so loving and thoughtful and who brought me these flowers today while I was breastfeeding his baby brother. These are his words below. He is such a sweet boy and I'm so proud of the little human being he is growing into and I love him dearly.

"Mom, for your hard work I'm going to send you some flowers. Here you go!" -My 4 & 1/2 year old

For further reading: My Daily Gratitude Journals

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Making A Natural Lavender Bouquet - It's Easier Than You Think!

My lil "Purple Girl" isn't feeling well today so this post is in honor of her. She loves lavender and her favorite color is purple.

Drying Lavender

There are many different types of lavender. It depends on how you want to use it, but I like English Lavender (pictured below) and think it's the best for drying and giving as gifts. I dry the leaves as well as the buds because the leaves smell just as good!  Here is a simple way to make a dried bouquet demonstrated by my 4 year old! 

This is for making a more casual, natural, country style dried bouquet as opposed to a tight, very uniform bouquet. Both are beautiful so it just depends on how you'd like to use it. 

"Hello little honey bee. May we pick your lavender?"

Step 1: Cutting The Lavender

Cutting The Lavender

Cut the stems long enough to give yourself some room at the bottom to gather and tie. You can always cut off the excess once it's tied together if you feel it's too long. It gets bulky towards the top where the flower buds are (depending on how big you want it) so the longer you can get the stem the better. I also remove all of the leaves before I hang it because I think it looks prettier that way. Whatever you prefer. 

Removing The Leaves:

An easy way to remove the leaves quickly is to pinch the stem at the base of the flower buds with one hand and with the other gloved hand, run your fingers firmly down the stem to remove leaves being careful not to break the stem. Spread the leaves onto a jelly roll pan for drying. (Someday I'll have pictures of that, but I'm sure you get the idea.) You can cover it loosely with cheese cloth or parchment paper, etc. to keep the dust out and stick it under your bed to dry for a while. Your room will have subtle hints of lavender while it's drying. 

Step 2: Gathering your bunch for drying.

Gathering Your Bunch

Once you've decided how big you'd like your bunch match up all of the ends evenly. It works best if the stems are of slightly different lengths so your bunch will "fall" out. Remove any stems that do not look right and make sure all of the buds are fresh. Pick off any flowers that might be dead and brown. 

Step 3: Tie your bunch.

Tying Your Bunch Together

You can use almost anything to tie it; string, ribbon, rubber band, twist ties, etc. I like to use flower wire that you can find in the floral arrangement section of your favorite department store or dollar store. Use wire cutters and be careful if you are having the kids help you because it can be sharp on the ends. I like using wire to tie it because makes it tighter (great for large bunches like the one pictured here) and you can also twist the ends of the excess wire together to make a hanging loop. (Like I said, someday I'll have a pic of that too.) After you secure it with the flower wire you can then cover it up with a decorative ribbon or whatever you want to use. 

Hang it upside down until you feel it's totally dry. If it's damp outside I'd bring it in the house so it doesn't mold over time. It can then be placed in a vase as a dried bouquet or keep it hanging upside down like this for a more country farm look. The buds will stay purple and the stems will stay green and it will smell very nice for a long time. 

A Natural Lavender Bouquet by Coco Cana

Gift Giving

These little fresh lavender bouquets make beautiful gifts for teachers and staff at your child's school or daycare. We chose to give these as fresh bouquets, so since they were pretty small I tied them together with twist ties then wrapped a wet paper towel around the stems to keep them moist. I covered that with a small piece of tin foil to keep it wet and to keep the drips inside. To keep it all together I used ribbon to tie it. I explained to the teachers and office ladies that they can put them in water to keep it fresh and then if they want they can remove everything down to the twist tie to hang it upside down as a dried bouquet. (There are about 5-6 here so they look bigger than they really are.)

Small bouquets make great gifts for teachers and staff at your child's school! 

P.S. Our beautiful, vibrant lavender bushes were cut down by the guys we hired to put in sprinklers for us this spring. I was horrified when I came home and saw all 5 of my HUGE bushes completely hacked down to tiny, bare nubs sticking out of the dirt with little bony fingers reaching up to me as if it were begging to be saved. Our gardener told us they would grow back no problem...but they never grew back. Not even a single tiny little leaf. I mean where is the Lorax when you need him? Finally after several months of looking at dead lavender bush bones my husband convinced me to let him pull them out and start from scratch. The original bushes had been there FOREVER. I was pretty sad but not as sad as my lil "Purple Girl." So our new crop of English Lavender is well on it's way joined by the French. We'll see which kind we like the best when they start to bloom. 

Lesson learned: Never cut your lavender bushes back all the way!  

They are NOT rose bushes and they will not grow back.  

"Excuse me, did you cut down that tree?"  -The Lorax

RIP my poor, sad bushes.  ;-(