If you want to laugh til you pee your pants then read this.

Me: "Why yes, yes this is a pic I took straight from my computer screen," says the lazy girl with no printer ink.
Me: "But why didn't you crop it or take a better...or at least clean your...I don't know, do something different?"
Me: (Looks in mirror. Looks back at pic - shrugs. Looks back at mirror.) *blink*blink*blink
Me: (Supinates palms and shrugs in an aggressive manner.)
Me: "Supinates?" *scratch*scratch*scratch
Me: (Disgust snorts and walks away...)
Me: "Wait, I'm waiting for google to load..."
...and scene.

Act II:

My friend Karina sent me this very funny article about pregnancy called, "Here's Some Of The Stuff You Won't Expect When You're Expecting" by Johanna Gohmann (link below) and I just read it and was laughing so hard I almost woke the teething baby who finally fell asleep after much fussing.

IKR?! Not cool!!  LOL!  So of course I had to share it with you. (Thanks Karina!)

If you've never had a baby and you laugh til you pee your pants I'll be impressed (and then I'll recommend an embarrassing exercise that can be done in line at the grocery store and none will be the wiser.) If you've had a baby or two, or three or 14 - (who knows, Octomom might read my blog you know in her spare time) and you laugh til you pee your pants I'll just say, "Yep.  Sucks don't it?" and hand you a panty liner and your membership pin. Cuz such is life after pushing a big thing out of that small thing.

...as you know. And then I'll still recommend the exercises you keep forgetting to do. Might I remind you that Valentine's Day is tomorrow....hmmmmm?

You're cramming for finals right now, aren't you?

The last time I laughed this much about being pregnant I was on the overly irritated and grotesquely bloated side of 39+ weeks preggo standing up in the isle at the bookstore feverishly reading Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy and creating a pregnant lady disturbance with my uncontrollable pregnant lady laughter.

"Excuse me, Ma'am?  Ummm...are you in labor?" 
"Someone complained about loud cackling coming from the pregnancy isle."
"Should I call someone?"
"Is that pee...or...umm...?"

So I bought the book so I could bring it home and sit on my couch in peace, hike my heavy cankles up on the footstool and read it to my husband who had the same uncontrollable laughter as myself.  Awww, isn't that cute?  Two peas in a pod.  It's that whole, "misery loves company" thing. We took our pregnancy weight off together after baby was born too.

Belly Laughs is hilarious and I've recommended it to probably every single pregnant friend of mine I've ever had as well as pregnant strangers - after I rub their belly without asking first and ask them if they are sure they aren't having twins, of course. Except I don't recommend the book to the ultra religious ones...I wait until they are past their due date and then I mail them a copy - anonymously - because even Lord knows you need a good laugh when you are in the, "you-better-friggin'-get-this-gigantic-rib-boxing-baby-outta-me-or-someone-will-get-clawed-in-their-sleep-with-the-toenails-I-haven't-seen-let-alone-cut-in-over-3+months" stage.  AKA: Minimum 1 day past your due date.  The one you calculated for yourself.

Amen. ...Sister.

Well, Johanna Gohmann's article on "xojane" is seriously just as funny as Belly Laughs in my opinion, except that it's only one page - boo. I wish it were a whole book. I'd normally just twitter this link up or faceblast it out, but this is just so cleverly written and super funny I wanted to bronze it on my mom's blog for all internet eternity. So here you go, laugh away. Her first picture alone is worth clicking the link for anyone who's familiar with that look you get when everyone*in*the*universe* keeps*telling*you that you look like you are... (drum roll please) "about to pop."  Yaaaaawn.

"I know, I know, OK??!!  It's my friggin' body. What? You think I'm not totally aware of how big my bell...Actually, you know what? I am about to pop. I'm about to pop you upside the skull for telling me I look like I'm 'about to pop!' Learn some dang What NOT To Say To A Pregnant Lady manners!"

And exhhhhhhhale - - - > 1, 2, 3, 4....  ...there, that felt better. #repressedpregnancyanger


The link:

Here's Some Of The Stuff You Won't Expect When You're Expecting by Johanna Gohmann

You're welcome.  *smiley face*

Oh...and if you can relate to anything I've said here or in Johanna's article, then you are probably going to need this. STAT! 

You're welcome. *shaka*

Top 10 Last-Minute Ways To Get Your Sexy Back By Valentine's Day

 After a long day of changing diapers, putting out tantrum fires,
finger painting, cutting and gluing everything in our path, and scaling Mt. Laundry Pile,
I feel like this Valentine's Day dog.
All droopy and sleepy eyed, needing some coffee and someone to love me
in my unshowered, no make-up,
still-in-my-jammies-because-I'm-way-too-cold-to-get-dressed state.
Thank God for my AMAZING husband who loves me just the way I am!  
Cuz somedays - it just ain't pretty.
Pic by my preschooler - featuring: Bubbles The Dog

Need to get your sexy back right now and don't feel like you have the time?  Here's a list of Top 10 things you can try to get your groove back and celebrate like you did pre-kids!

1. Remove all squeaky and musical toys from your bed.
2. Haven't gotten around to loosing the baby weight or getting your highlights done? Light some candles. Flickering light makes everyone look good. 
3. Move the kids into their own rooms for the night. It's kinda hard to get your sexy back with a co-sleeping preschooler, a toddler sleeping sideways, a baby attached to your breast and your baby daddy on the floor.
4. Forgot to take that pole dancing class at your gym? Watch some Motley Crue videos on YouTube and copy some moves.
5. Don't have dinner reservations? Search “sexy foods” on Google and hope you have some of the ingredients in your fridge.
6. Want to watch a romantic movie to get you in the mood? Pop in The Notebook. Ryan Gosling will do it every time! Just remember to wake up your man, who's sleeping next to you on the couch, when it's time to fool around.
7. Make a sexy playlist on iTunes. Be sure to remove all kid songs. It's hard to get in the mood to the Backyardigans theme song.
8. Search the garage for that naughty nurse's costume you wore for your sororities Halloween party 8 years ago, and while your at it, look for the box that says “pre-pregnancy panties.”
9. Jump in the shower, fix your hair cute, apply make-up, ditch the yoga pants (for once), find a top that isn't covered in baby barf, dig out one of your old bras (not the nursing bras you've been living in), shave off the three months' worth of hair growth from your legs and armpits, trim up any other business you need to attend to, slip into that sexy red dress and heels that haven't seen the light of day since your honeymoon, have a glass of wine at dinner and forget that you are a mom for a few hours. 
10. Take the kids to grandma's,  turn off the lights,  jump into bed with your man and do it all night long without any interruptions. I'm talking about sleep! When you wake up rested for the first time in months you'll have more energy to get frisky.

No more excuses! Which ones do you think you'll try?

*This was originally posted on February 13, 2012 for mom365. Click here to read more of my Top Ten Lists on Mom365. Written by me, Coco Cana.