The Glamorous Life Of A Stay-At-Home-Mom: Episode 1

On today's episode of The Glamorous Life of a Stay-At-Home-Mom:

Me: It's been a really stressful day. The baby's diaper exploded out of his neck hole, then he was doing dolphin spins on the changing table as I was trying to get all of the poop off. Once I finally got everything cleaned up and dried up and successfully avoided getting poop on his onesie - he peed all over himself as I was reaching for the clean diaper - soaking his onesie, the changing pad I just pulled out of the dryer and the wall where I hang my kids' arts and crafts.

Good thing that the runny paint look is so hot right now in preschool crafts.  

So I decided to just put him into the tub. As I was filling the tub and arching him from my lap over to the bath he unleashed the barfing exorcist successfully drenching my shirt, my favorite, most comfortable (ahem...the only ones that fit right now) jammie pants, my socks, the floor towel, a bath toy, the kneeling knee pad and all of the fresh bath water in his nice, clean tub.

Fast forward a few minutes later to where we are finally in the tub and I have Tommy Lee drumming the water like it's the 80's. In walks my 7 y/o daughter who wants to show me pictures of a scorpion mom with a million babies on her (barf!), a cobra snake with venom dripping from its fangs (hurl!) and one of those screaming lizards that has the clown collar that puffs open when they are pissed (no thanks) And I'm spinning between a 6 month old wanting to go deep sea diving for a wash cloth at the bottom of the tub (while breathing of course) and the, " Look it! Look it! Look it mom! Check this out it's gross!" demands of a 7 y/o veterinary student who is covering my entire line of sight with her new book. 

So as I continue to avoid getting soaking wet while I oil up my baby pig in a mud fight in walks in my (uncharacteristically) grumpy 4 y/o with a severe case of itchy bed head (reminding me I gotta do another check for nits A.K.A. lice eggs because we got that flier sent home from preschool letting us know someone had lice and brought their pets to school to share with the rest of the class) and he tells me, "everything is wet." 

Meanwhile the bathroom is feeling like a clown car with, "Holy crap where did I get all these kids and do they accept returns?" in it, my favorite gloomy day - wanting to stay in and drink coffee all day - lounging attire has now been defaced with dried up baby poop, dried up baby pee, half dry and starting to crust up baby barf, baby soap, and bath tub water and the older kids are pushing and shoving like it's Black Friday at Walmart. Just when things couldn't get more annoying or frustrating my chain smoking neighbor fired up his table saw 3 inches from my kitchen door to tinker the day away and the other neighbor's leaf blowing addicted yard guy just showed up to perform a 2 hour lawn manicure using only his hand siren.  

Cue the crying baby, the ringing phone and someone knocking at the door. 

Several minutes later the baby is quietly and peacefully nursing, the 7 y/o is quietly and peacefully making some art by herself and mama is quietly and peacefully sipping the latte I made hours ago and have reheated twice already while quietly and peacefully rocking in my nursing chair breastfeeding the quietly and peacefully nursing baby turned napper. 

Exxxxxxxhale. 

All is right in the world again. 

The E--

Not so fast -

Screaming from the bathroom:

"Caaaaaaan sooooooomebodyyyyyyyy wipe meeeeee pleeeeeeeeeease?!"

Baby wakes up and starts to cry. 

7 y/o starts whining about being bored and wanting to play iPad. 

Set the day to repeat. 

Teenager:  Ummm...wow. Ummm... Did you want whipped cream on your caramel frapp?

Me: Sure. 

Teenager: Ok. Pull up to the second window and we'll have your order ready there, Ma'am.

Me: K. (Thinking to myself) Ma'am??!! What the hell? I'm young and hip. What's this Ma'am crap? It's not like I'm some crabby old lady! 

(Car honks behind me) 

Asshole in the convertible behind me: (Sticks head out the window in a way that is indicative of assholes) "Let's keep it movin', Lady!"

Me: Lady?!?????

To Be Continued...

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