Standing Ovation For The Single Moms

I of course feel that all moms deserve a standing ovation for a job that at times seems very unappreciated, especially if you have babies because they are not yet old enough to throw their arms around your neck and give a tight squeeze as they say, "I love you mommy" and then plant a big pucker on you. Babies give love in their own way, but it's quiet and said without words. Sometimes we need the words. No offense babies.

So tonight, I'm sending out some major love to all of the moms out there who are going it alone. Either full-time because the dad is no longer in the picture or going it solo for a lengthy period of time because dad is in the military and is away for months and months at a time. I know of a mom who's husband is off fighting for our country right now, in danger for his life every single day and the days are in triple digits til she sees him again. My heart goes out to her because she has a toddler and is both the mother and the father to this child until daddy comes home.

Some moms are the mother and the father and daddy never comes home. I'm not quite sure how you are able to get everything done that needs to be done, but somehow you do it. There are so many nights where I'm so appreciative of my husband because he comes home after work and he'll give the kids a bath while I'm cooking dinner and then he'll put one of them to bed while I'm putting the other one to bed. Then, like now when I'm sick as a dog he really steps it up. As a stay-at-home-mom I don't get a sick days of course, but he does help out so much in the evenings. Two nights ago I lounged on the couch while he did bath, made dinner and put both kids to bed. Bless his heart! And I went to bed early too and he stayed up to do the dishes. I was literally the walking dead and I kept thinking, "how do single mom's do it?"

When I was pregnant with my first I met a mom who had ended her relationship with her boyfriend while she was still in early pregnancy. Just being pregnant I relied on my husband for so much support I didn't know how she was doing it alone, but I had no idea how hard it was to actually be a mother until baby girl came, and I had help. So to be a brand new mother all alone seemed terrifying to me. I remember her telling stories about how she had two jobs 6 days a week - a day job and a night job and her baby had two sitters - a day sitter and a night sitter. She didn't even have a full day off all week long because her days off overlapped and she'd usually pick up extra shifts anyway because she was always behind on money, so there were some weeks where she didn't have any time off at all.

One story of hers in particular made me so sad. She said when her baby was still just a lil guy (under a year old) and would nap in the car in the mornings in route to the day sitter and then again during the transition from the day sitter to the night sitter's house and then again from the night sitter's house to their apartment late at night, she would go several days without seeing her baby awake for a lengthy period of time, and for never any quality time, really. Several days! Except of course during the night feedings (which, yes, she still had to wake up several times a night for the first few months even though she was doing EVERYTHING alone all day long.) Babies don't get the memo that you are a single mom (or that you are sick on your death bed) and how it would be great if they just slept through the night. So in the wee hours in the morning when she'd wake the baby to get out the door in the mornings she'd have some baby love time and during the night several times she'd have some baby love time...but that was it. During her 1 hour commute to the day sitter in the mornings and from the day sitter to the night sitter's house (that was an hour and 45 minute commute) it was pure silence because baby was sleeping peacefully while she was left to her own thoughts of wishing things could be different, feeling guilty for never having any quality time with her baby - the one person she felt she ever truly loved with all of her heart, watching the long days drift into quick months, missing milestones while she dealt with catty co-workers, pushy bosses and rude customers. Many tears were shed on those long quiet drives between two jobs she'd rather not go to, and many hours were spent in vain trying to get a deadbeat dad to care for his child let alone pay for one damn thing. My heart ached for her.

Many said she did it to herself for getting involved with a looser guy who she herself said she knew was a deadbeat with no job, no car, and sleeping on a friend's couch when they were dating and "was stupid enough to get pregnant anyway" (her words). But still, who are we to judge? Life can cast many hard blows and when your children are affected by it, it stings that much more. Regardless of her situation and how she got there, I always wished she'd find a better life for herself and for her child. She was kind and looked for the good in people and she loved her baby with everything she had. She deserved a better life. Her mom died when she was young and her dad wasn't emotionally available to her. She lived far from any grandparents who might have care for her given the chance because her father didn't want them around. She thought she loved this guy and felt sick to her stomach when she realized she was pregnant, but never thought for one second of doing anything other than caring for her baby and was going to do her best to provide him or her with a life of love that she never really knew.

Whenever times get really tough on me and I feel alone as a mother who has a very wonderful and very supportive husband who will change poopy diapers without even being asked and who will rock babies to sleep in the middle of the night if he needs to, I always think about her and what she is doing. Driving in the snow with a sleeping baby bundled in the back of the car going from one crappy low paying job to the next and having no real idea how her baby spent the last 10 hours, or how he'll spend the next 8. Was he happy? Did he laugh at the puppy he saw while he was sitting in the stroller at the park? Did he spit out his carrots or did he like them this time? Did he cry for a long time when he went down for a nap? Did he miss mommy?

Always running late for her next job she never really had the time to have long conversations with the day sitter to ask her these things. And she wasn't exactly thrilled about her either nor was she thrilled about the older children she also watched during the day. But this was the only daycare provider she could find that was close to her work and who would keep the baby for that many hours during the day and sometimes on weekends, and most of all, one she could actually afford. She felt she had no choice. Luckily the night sitter was a family member who she knew would gladly dole out as many cuddles and loves as the baby needed. But the majority of the time he was with the night sitter was when he was asleep, so she had to put it out of her mind how much she wished she could switch the two sitters. But her jobs and their available hours and locations wouldn't allow for a switch.

She talked about how blessed she was to have a reliable car that could weather the snowstorms, an apartment that she didn't have to share with a stranger, two jobs that made it possible to provide her baby with the best life she could. She saved her money so she could buy him some nice, brand new things for his first birthday. She was doing it by herself and she was proud of herself. She'll never know how much I thought about her all those nights and days that I was having it rough too, but at least I was able to be home with my baby witnessing every movement she made all day long and then had help in the evenings when my husband got home. It doesn't mean that I didn't also see many dark days as a new mother despite my help and support or that I didn't deserve or have the right to complain about it. All mothers have it rough, especially brand new mothers and if anyone tries to tell you differently they are candy coating it for whatever reason and flat out, they are lying. Motherhood is hard. Not all of it, but a lot of it. The stuff that has no answers. The stuff that has no reasoning behind it.

Whether you have a perfect angel baby who sleeps through the night from birth and never makes a fuss as a toddler or if you have a colicky baby from day 1 til she is three months old and then at three months and 1 day she starts teething and is miserable from that for weeks at a time...it's a hard job and no one really prepares you for it. They try when we are pregnant with our baby, but we don't believe them, we aren't really listening because we think that we'll have it differently (and we do for the most part - still hard though) and we just cast them off as being overly negative or thinking that we are not going to be capable of being a mom. Until we are actually in the trenches is when we think back to that advise and think..."oh...that's what they were talking about. I get it now."

If you are a single mom or a military wife who is going it alone right now, give yourself a pat on the back. Go ahead...I'll wait. Smile at your accomplishments, give yourself credit for all of the hard work you've put in, all the hours and hours of overtime you've clocked that will not show up on your paycheck. Not in money anyway. But one of these days if it hasn't happened already, that sweet little bundle of joy sleeping next to you will come running up to you, throw her little chubby arms around your knees, look up at you with her sparkling eyes and say, "I love you mommy!" and you'll know it will all be worth it.

Please feel free to share your story here in the comments below. I'm listening, and know that someone out there somewhere is thinking about you and they are wishing the best for you too.

Water Baby

Pool is ready, water is warm,

midwife, doula, hubby and me, I will not conform.

I'm breathing the way I need to,

moving the way I need to,

walking when I need to,

squatting when I need to.

Pacing the rooms, my feet are bare,

our lives on these walls, and soon baby is there.

I'm eating because I need to,

drinking when I need to,

only talking when I need to,

peacefully quiet because I need to.

Coldplay on the itunes,

fresh flowers wafting through,

feeling confident and strong

my body knows just what to do.

Laughing when I need to,

closing my eyes because I need to,

crying when I need to,

reaching out for you because I need you.

Room filled with soft whispers,

the only light is in the hall,

warm water pouring over my back,

not feeling rushed at all.

Rocking when I need to,

humming when I need to,

blocking out what I need to,

drawing inward because I need to.

Pain ever present, feeling like I need to push,

my body taking over, water breaking there's the woosh!

I'm kneeling because I need to,

embracing the feeling because I need to,

battle cries when I need to,

retreating home when I need to.

Husband is strong never leaving my side,

my head is in his chest.

Everyone is waiting for me to give their cue

because they know, I know myself best.

I'm pushing when I need to,

for however long my body needs to,

I'm moaning when I need to,

laboring naturally because I need to.

The baby is coming quickly now

as you can see in the water below!

Is our new little love

a baby girl or baby boy?

We still do not know!

I reach down because I need to,

catch my baby in my arms because I need to,

we embrace our new love because we need to,

Free to take the time that we need to.

We squeal in delight our baby is here

oh, such a magical joy!

After several minutes of loving this new bundle

we discover that he is a boy!

Holding him close because I need to,

cord cutting can wait because it needs to,

adjusting peacefully because he needs to,

in mama's arms because we need to.

Everyone is happy and safe,

bouncing baby boy is ten pounds!

The house is bright and filled with love

and all sorts of new baby sounds.

A shower and my bed because I need to,

breastfeed him when he needs to,

skin to skin because we need to,

all three napping together because we need to.

After a peaceful sleep big sister is here!

She wants to meet “baby brother.”

She knew all along it'd be you coming to her,

this bond is like no other.

Believe in yourself because you need to!

Your heart is telling you what it needs to,

trust yourself because you need to,

Be strong for your baby, because he needs you.

By Colleen Duncan-Canavan

Dec 4, 2011

This poem was inspired by my water baby, Ely Finn. Born at home, caught by his mother. I'm waiting to hear back if this will be accepted into an anthology. I'll update it here if it was chosen.

Thank you for your support!

I wanted to take this time to send out a thank you for your love and support with my story, "Thank You For Coming To Me Baby Brother."

Many of my facebook family and friends voted for my story and so many of you promoted it on your page and got your friends and family and co-workers, etc. to vote too and I appreciate that so much! I still have a few more raffles to pick too, so stay tuned! I'll be writing a blog post to thank all of you individually who supported my little story, so I'll share that on here as well. I have not forgotten you and I appreciate you very much!

The MeeGenius contest is officially over and it appears that they have decided not to choose "Baby Brother" as a semi finalist. They will announce the semi-finalists officially on Jan 31st. I wrote them an email last week asking them if they already sent out the emails but I read it on their facebook page today that they have already chosen them and sent out emails. The number of semi-finalists is undetermined. Despite the fact that I was fairly certain I was going to be a judge's pick, they have another vision for their ebooks library, and I'm actually excited about the possibilities that are now out there for me to explore with my story and the others in the "older sibling/baby sibling"series. Many people have asked me to write other versions of my story so their child can have one about them too, so I plan to do just that. I'll be working on a Big Sister/Baby Sister version, a Big Brother/Baby Sister version and a Big Brother/Baby Brother version! I'd love to hear any ideas you may have for these stories. If you have any special moments that have been shared between your own children that you can see fitting into one of these stories, I'd love to hear it! Please share in the comments section of this blog post or you can email me too at: colleen@mnky.com.

I'm not bummed that it wasn't chosen because of all of the positive feedback I have received from all of this. I'm looking at this as a blessing in disguise because I really see this book as a hard cover book that you can own and have it on your shelf, where you can sit and read it and physically flip through the pages even if you don't have an ipad/iphone. It will be published one way or another either through self publishing or through finding a publisher who believes in this story as much as I do. However, I'll need to wait til April of 2012 before it's "officially released" back to me. MeeGenius still has the rights to publish it later after the contest is over. I'm not sure why they would do that if it's not a semi-finalist, but we'll see. I'd rather it just be released back to me at this point so I can find a publisher to make it into a physical book.

I'm so overwhelmed by all of the love and support so many of you have given me and my little story, as well as the perfect strangers who took the time to vote and leave me a comment to tell me how it touched them. I'm going to print up all of my comments and treasure them always. I will also compile them into one blog post so my mom can read all of them too, haha. Or anyone else for that matter.

Thank you again soooo much! It really touched my heart beyond words how so many of you took the time to support me and my writing. It means a lot and I'm very grateful to have so many of you in my life and call my friend. Thank you.

xoxoxo

~*Colleen

My Story...

I'm going to write a blog about the children's story I wrote that was in a contest to get published. Come back soon for that...

Halloween Night

The scene: Halloween night....
The location: Your neighbor's porch.
The cast: Your 3 year old daughter.

You walk up to the door with your child, "Trick or Treat!" They reach into a big bowl full of little snickers, reese's pb cups, m&m's, twix and other chocolatey delights. Then, under a milkey way you spot...the Dots. The bogus, lame chewy things that stick to all of your back teeth. Inside you are screaming, "NO! Don't do it! Reach left, LEEEEFT!"...but alas, they pick up "the dots." And you walk away all sad and chocolateless.

What is the deal with Dots anyway? Sweet score or totally bogus?

The Toddler Gourmet: SNACKS-Peanut Butter & Pumpkin Toast. It's sure to pass the yummy test!

For our first edition of The Toddler Gourmet I thought I'd give a shout out to my favorite season, Pumpkin Season! Having two kids who are eating regular meals now, I need to get creative as to what to fix so that they can both eat the same thing so I don't feel like a short order cook. My lil guy who is a year old already (that year whizzed by, let me tell you!) just got the OK from our ped to start eating peanut butter. And since no one in our family, immediate or extended is allergic to peanuts, I figured that would be a great snack to help fill him up.

My good friend Leah gave me some awesome pumpkin butter for my birthday (thanks Leah!) and we've been putting it on our toast in the morning. One day by accident because I was so sleep deprived I spread pumpkin butter on my already peanut buttered toast and...Voilà, Peanut Butter & Pumpkin Toast was born! I let my daughter have a bite and all I heard were the "yummy noises" and the fact that I needed to make another piece so I could actually have some was enough for me to add it to our regular menu. I made some for the baby and cut it into tiny pieces (which is sort of a mess, btw) and he loved it too!


What you'll need:

-Organic unsalted, creamy peanut butter.*
-Pumpkin butter
-Whole grain bread**

Toast the bread for however long you like (lightly toasted if it's for a baby). Add a layer of peanut butter and top with pumpkin butter (as you would jelly). Cut into 4's for an older toddler or into a million tiny bits if it's for a baby. ;-)

*Try to buy organic whenever possible (AKA "affordable"). If you shop at Trader Joe's, you can find organic products that are just a bit less than their conventional counterpart. (I once saw only a 20 cent difference in zucchini at Trader Joe's in the summer! I was shocked!) I also like to do unsalted creamy for the kids. My preschooler can do unsalted crunchy when spread thin, but since I'm doing this recipe for both of them I opt for unsalted creamy.

Variations:

Bread **
We like to use anything whole grain. Raisin bread is quickly becoming a fan favorite in our house, and we just discovered a new bread at Trader Joe's that is called Panetone Bread (just like the Italian bread you find around the holidays) but this is in a loaf and sliced. My preschooler LOVED it!



And of course this edition of The Toddler Gourmet is even a hit for mama when paired with a pumpkin spice latte, a good book and 20 minutes of quiet time! If you are lucky enough to make this happen please light your holiday candle to go with it!

Enjoy!

Photo Notes:
Baby Boy: Yes, you're right...I probably should've wiped his nose before taking his picture for the world to see. And it's neither Thanksgiving nor Baby's first Thanksgiving either. Let's just say he's lucky he's not still wearing his sister's princess jammies with the poofy sleeves from the night before. We're recycling. Recession and all...
Big Sister: Pay no attention to the junk on the shelf behind her. C'est la vie...with 2 kids! And the black dot on her bread is a raisin....I hope...



Will your toddler eat anything with pumpkin? If so, what are your favorite pumpkin inspired recipes for the kids?

My Little Dancer

Summer loves to dance. I've been wanting to get her into a dance class for a while now and it just hasn't worked out with preschool and our move, etc. So today she starts her first dance class through the summer parks & rec program. It's a princess dance class where they get to wear their princess costume and each week they get to do a princess craft to take home too. The last class they have a little tea party and show off their new moves. The perfect class for any three year old little girl! I'm not sure who's more excited, Summer or....her parents! My mom and dad are now retired and on summer vacation respectively so they will be coming too. Again, I don't know who's more excited for this class to start!

Last season of So You Think You Can Dance (she was 2 yrs old) she loved watching it and would try to follow along with the dances. She even perfected her "krump face". This season started and just watching the commercials for it she would squeel and cheer and start to dance. If she was in her high chair she would say, "Mama I've gotta get down so I can dance FUN-KEY!" A few weeks later every time she heard any music on TV she would say "I need to dance! I need to dance!" We knew she'd love her new preschool class because as we were leaving to drop her off the teacher started a little tape player with music and had all of the kids get up to dance. Summer was in heaven bouncing around the floor like a curly-haired kernel of popcorn! So I was determined to find a class that was starting soon.

So last night, the eve before her dance class I decided to break our rule of giving her too much advanced warning for fun stuff (a hard lesson you inevitably learn when you reach Toddlervile), and I told her that she was starting her new dance class tomorrow and that she gets to wear her princess costume and she chose to wear her Snow White costume for the first class. (She was Snow White for Halloween...when she was 18 months old. Haha! Hopefully it will fit!) I said when you wake up we'll have a yummy breakfast and Grammy & Baba will come over and then we'll all go to your Princess Dance Class! She was so excited, which kept her awake longer than usual.

So this morning I'm in the shower and Todd was in the kitchen and Summer flew her door open, came running down the hall (scaring Todd half to death!) and she said at the top of her lungs,

"Daddy! I'm ready to dance!"