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| Kapa'a on the Island of Kauai* |
I had to literally steal time like a thief today.
Today is Saturday. The very first Saturday of doing this March Writing Challenge and I'm already needing to figure out what I can do differently next week to block out this much needed writing time for myself because it's already 3pm and this is the first I have written. Where all week I was completely done by like noon-ish.
So today I had to steal my time like a thief. I seized my opportunity of all of the kids and both dogs and my husband being outside doing a porch project and playing in the melting snow and I abandoned the dishes on the counter, I fought the pounding urge to just "put in a load of clothes into the washing machine real quick" before I grabbed my computer, my phone and my coffee and flew upstairs - literally skipping steps, in order to write.
I ignored the tape being played over and over in my brain about double checking with my husband first to be sure that this was a good time for me to get away for a bit and that he was "good" outside with everyone first, (and they are all fine, of course) because even though he's doing a project that takes his focus, our kids are 12 & 1/2, 10 and 6 and we live in a cul-de-sac with only 3 neighbors at our end where it's perfectly safe for them to grab their bikes and ride around without constant adult supervision like when we lived off a very busy street in California with hundreds of cars speeding by every 10 minutes.
But as a mom, this is my years of conditioning that I have placed on myself, that society has placed on us as mothers or as the stay-at-home parent, the "other moms" who judge from their social media pages have placed on us, that especially older generations of women have placed on us...that we are required to think of every other person and every single chore and duty to do and to accomplish and check off BEFORE we check in with ourselves and take free time out for ourselves - or else we aren't good moms and wives/partners. And that is total BS and we must normalize moms taking care of themselves too.
In the event of an emergency on a plane they tell you to put your air mask on first before helping others, even before you help your child put on theirs and we need to do this on land too. We need to put our mask on first so that we are able to help others.
No one bats an eye when a man says that he's off to the gym on a weekend morning regardless of what else might be crashing down around him, or headed straight to the gym after work regardless of whatever homework and dinnertime chaos is going on at home, or even scheduling regular poker nights or grabbing a drink with the guys to help unwind after a long day after work. This is in fact encouraged but if moms did this it would be frowned upon and they would be shamed for it. We see all the time in the media how new mothers are treated, especially how new mothers in the public eye are treated, we are questioned and shamed for taking time away from our families and focusing solely on ourselves for an hour or two. Or even for a weekend away with the girls or a solo trip.
And we need to give all these reasons and excuses to justify it too, right? "I'm so tired and overwhelmed and I just need to take time for myself." Or, "I haven't had a day to myself in 2 years and I just need this one day off at the day spa" where everything is riding on that one dame mini-facial that is supposed to take away 2 years of stress.
So I asked myself, "what do you want to do right now that it's quiet?" And my answer will 9 times out of 10 be to write. And instead of just sitting at the kitchen table where I can "keep an eye out" on everyone out front, or be within ear shot if my husband gets upset with one of the kids or dogs so that I can get up to go help out or so that I can be readily available for any child who walks back in to look for their sweatshirt or because their shoes got wet from the melting snow or because they need a snack or a water or because they are bored - I said to myself, "take the computer, your coffee and your phone and go upstairs, sit on your comfortable rocking chair that is left over from your breastfeeding days, put your damn feet up and write. Oh but first close the door!"
And I did. And soon after my son came upstairs and I did set aside the computer to just check on him A.K.A. rush him back outside. And during this secret time away I have heard my husband get upset with someone either kid or furry kid, but I let him handle it because he's 1000% capable of doing so and it was handled before I would've set aside my laptop, got out of my chair, walked down the stairs and opened the slider door to ask what was wrong. He handled it. He's their dad who is very loving and very hands on and very supportive of me taking time away to write and he wasn't looking for me to rescue him when he was frustrated with the kids because he's a problem solver and is very capable. (Something important to remind myself when I feel like I always need to step in.)
So this issue with me needing to be 24/7 available and on call to all humans and furry 4-legged humans in my house, is absolutely an issue that I need to get over. That I need to start to change to ensure my inner peace and calmness.
When my kids were babies and toddlers and even preschoolers this was of course incredibly hard to do. To just go to another room and close the door and be like, "good luck suckers!" Back then I would maybe set everyone up with snacks and a movie first and that would hopefully buy me enough time to have a minute to myself in another room to complete a thought...with the door ajar, of course. And I tried to do that as much as possible. Every single day if possible. And even though you are still on call if you are the only adult in the house, you can still try your best to make it work.
Hands down my very favorite way to get an hour or two of quiet time every day when I had a toddler and a baby was to put two crabby kids in the car around nap time. Then I'd put on some soothing music and I would literally just drive. I would drive and drive until both kids fell asleep and they did every single time. And then on somedays I would drive myself to Starbucks and grab a treat or two, then I would drive to the shadiest tree at the quietest spot at the park and I would roll my windows down and just sip my latte and munch on my cookie or whatever, sometimes I would even get a salad or a sandwich and completely veg out while everyone slept. Then I would pull out my laptop to write, or take out a magazine to flip through in peace and quiet or I would read a book or look through my phone. However, the time would fly by too quickly if I vegged out on my phone and it was somehow not as satisfying as time well spent - for me anyway. Then if time or child moods allowed after they woke up we might play at the park or just head home.
I did this every single week day without fail for about 2+ years (unless we had an appointment or something that day.) However, I didn't buy food and treats daily. I would bring something with me from home to eat or drink though and that helped me to be sure I was eating regular meals, which can be hard for the stay-at-home parent to do. And I did this because I needed this time for both of my children to sleep and this was the only way I could get my high energy toddler to actually nap everyday at the exact same time as her baby brother.
People would say, "yea but do you really want to be doing this every day?" And I'm like, "yep!" I look forward to it and I actually enjoyed it. And my kids did too. They knew it was our quiet, calm time. I wasn't chatty with them on these "sleepy drives" and I wasn't listening to anything loud and obnoxious on the radio. My daughter still to the day at almost 13 years old talks about how she loved sleepy drives so much.
The point is that if you are a busy mom with wild children or even one busy, child, it's so incredibly important to carve out daily time for yourself to relax and recharge and to do something you enjoy and are passionate about. Make it a non-negotiable. Make it like a work day. Put it on the calendar and set an alarm to go off for your free time. You deserve to do that. Your mental health needs you to do that. And it's much, much harder to do that with very small children at home so you definitely need to communicate with your husband/partner that you desperately need that time.
Well, I'd say that this was a very productive 45 minutes. I can faintly hear everyone outside and everyone is still alive, all bodies are accounted for, my husband just laughed so he's not completely annoyed and wondering where I am. I can hear the kids playing with dogs to "go fetch!" And I got to complete a thought and an entire post without too much interruption. I feel like this was a success!
Until next time,
Colleen
~About the March Writing Challenge: I have decided to try to write a blog post a day for 30 days to get back into the swing of being a writer again, which is one of my true loves in this life, creatively speaking. I'm a mom during a pandemic, so we’ll see how it goes! <insert nervous laughter.> Please leave a comment below and tell me where you are joining me from and how you found my blog; IG, Google, FB, Blog follower, etc. Thanks for joining me!~
*This sounds crazy to me right now as I look outside my window at melting snow and dead grass, but this was the view from one of my very first sleepy drives from when my daughter (our oldest) was a baby. We lived on Kauai and I drove to the beach and she fell asleep so I parked up on a little cliff/look out spot and watched the crashing waves while she slept in her carseat. What I would give to have that view now that I appreciated at the time of course, but maybe didn't know how good I had it to have views like this minutes from my house. This was taken in 2008.
