Top 10 Things Never to Tell a Pregnant Women During the Holidays (or anytime!)

Pic credit: Barginlifestyle dot com

It's the holidays and you're out and about feeling merry and bright with your most precious gift - your baby belly - when sure enough someone makes a Grinchlike comment that dims your holiday glow. In the spirit of giving, share this list, and help make the world a better place!

1. “You're looking quite jolly in that red dress.”

2. “Are you hiding an elf under there?”

3. “Are you sure you aren't having twins? (This really has nothing to do with the holidays.)

4. You: “Hey Babe, does this white maternity snow jacket make me look too fat?”

Hubby: “No, it's cute. You look just like a snowman.”

5. “Too bad you can't have any wine right now. We're drinking the bottle we just brought back

from that little winery villa we stayed at in Tuscany." (Holiday or not, this is So-Not-Cool!)

6. “You know you can't eat that raw cookie dough, right?"

7. “How cute, when you laugh your belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.”

8. “Are you sure you want to eat a third piece of pumpkin pie after you raided the refrigerator at midnight and finished off the rest of the turkey and mashed potatoes? You've been complaining a lot about heart burn, insomnia, swollen ankles, gas and constipation. You can't blame everything on the baby.”

9. “It looks like the bird has been stuffed already.”

10. Your Husband: “Honey, I just got the menu for my holiday work party. They are serving candy cane martinis and cranberry sangria, all you can eat sushi, and sashimi, goose liver pate, oysters on the half shell, deli meat tray with brie, camembert, goat cheese and port cheese, authentic Caesar salad, swordfish or Thresher Shark with veggies covered in hollandaise sauce, and a dessert tray with spiced rum cake, dark chocolate mud pie with espresso ice cream, custard tarts, Grand Marnier and Bailey's filled chocolates, homemade eggnog, hot buttered rum, and Irish cream or Kahlua coffee.”

You: "Looks I'll be making scrambled eggs for dinner again.

Did an interaction with a stranger (or loved one who should know better) leave you feeling Scrooge'd this holiday season? Tell us your awkward pregnancy comments below, and let us revel!

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*This was originally posted on December 23 for mom365. Click here to read more of my Top Ten Lists on Mom365.

If you want to laugh til you pee your pants then read this.

Me: "Why yes, yes this is a pic I took straight from my computer screen," says the lazy girl with no printer ink.
Me: "But why didn't you crop it or take a better...or at least clean your...I don't know, do something different?"
Me: (Looks in mirror. Looks back at pic - shrugs. Looks back at mirror.) *blink*blink*blink
Me: (Supinates palms and shrugs in an aggressive manner.)
Me: "Supinates?" *scratch*scratch*scratch
Me: (Disgust snorts and walks away...)
Me: "Wait, I'm waiting for google to load..."
...and scene.

Act II:

My friend Karina sent me this very funny article about pregnancy called, "Here's Some Of The Stuff You Won't Expect When You're Expecting" by Johanna Gohmann (link below) and I just read it and was laughing so hard I almost woke the teething baby who finally fell asleep after much fussing.

IKR?! Not cool!!  LOL!  So of course I had to share it with you. (Thanks Karina!)

If you've never had a baby and you laugh til you pee your pants I'll be impressed (and then I'll recommend an embarrassing exercise that can be done in line at the grocery store and none will be the wiser.) If you've had a baby or two, or three or 14 - (who knows, Octomom might read my blog you know in her spare time) and you laugh til you pee your pants I'll just say, "Yep.  Sucks don't it?" and hand you a panty liner and your membership pin. Cuz such is life after pushing a big thing out of that small thing.

...as you know. And then I'll still recommend the exercises you keep forgetting to do. Might I remind you that Valentine's Day is tomorrow....hmmmmm?

You're cramming for finals right now, aren't you?

The last time I laughed this much about being pregnant I was on the overly irritated and grotesquely bloated side of 39+ weeks preggo standing up in the isle at the bookstore feverishly reading Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy and creating a pregnant lady disturbance with my uncontrollable pregnant lady laughter.

"Excuse me, Ma'am?  Ummm...are you in labor?" 
"Someone complained about loud cackling coming from the pregnancy isle."
"Should I call someone?"
"Is that pee...or...umm...?"

So I bought the book so I could bring it home and sit on my couch in peace, hike my heavy cankles up on the footstool and read it to my husband who had the same uncontrollable laughter as myself.  Awww, isn't that cute?  Two peas in a pod.  It's that whole, "misery loves company" thing. We took our pregnancy weight off together after baby was born too.

Belly Laughs is hilarious and I've recommended it to probably every single pregnant friend of mine I've ever had as well as pregnant strangers - after I rub their belly without asking first and ask them if they are sure they aren't having twins, of course. Except I don't recommend the book to the ultra religious ones...I wait until they are past their due date and then I mail them a copy - anonymously - because even Lord knows you need a good laugh when you are in the, "you-better-friggin'-get-this-gigantic-rib-boxing-baby-outta-me-or-someone-will-get-clawed-in-their-sleep-with-the-toenails-I-haven't-seen-let-alone-cut-in-over-3+months" stage.  AKA: Minimum 1 day past your due date.  The one you calculated for yourself.

Amen. ...Sister.

Well, Johanna Gohmann's article on "xojane" is seriously just as funny as Belly Laughs in my opinion, except that it's only one page - boo. I wish it were a whole book. I'd normally just twitter this link up or faceblast it out, but this is just so cleverly written and super funny I wanted to bronze it on my mom's blog for all internet eternity. So here you go, laugh away. Her first picture alone is worth clicking the link for anyone who's familiar with that look you get when everyone*in*the*universe* keeps*telling*you that you look like you are... (drum roll please) "about to pop."  Yaaaaawn.

"I know, I know, OK??!!  It's my friggin' body. What? You think I'm not totally aware of how big my bell...Actually, you know what? I am about to pop. I'm about to pop you upside the skull for telling me I look like I'm 'about to pop!' Learn some dang What NOT To Say To A Pregnant Lady manners!"

And exhhhhhhhale - - - > 1, 2, 3, 4....  ...there, that felt better. #repressedpregnancyanger


The link:

Here's Some Of The Stuff You Won't Expect When You're Expecting by Johanna Gohmann

You're welcome.  *smiley face*

Oh...and if you can relate to anything I've said here or in Johanna's article, then you are probably going to need this. STAT! 

You're welcome. *shaka*