|This is a pic from a pre-baby #3 night away, but it fits perfectly for this post!|
I deserve it!
I work very, very, very hard.
I'm a stay at home mom of 3 small kids and my days and nights never ever, ever end. I'm not being overly dramatic either. My 8 month old is attached to my breast all hours of the day and night, waking about every 45 minutes to breastfeed during the night due to teething and growth spurts - so at this point in my motherhood career I'm permanently on call - at the mercy of a tiny human who can eat for days and loves to snuggle his mama. I know this too shall pass and someday I'll tell a new mom holding a newborn in a grocery store how I really miss nursing my babies -- but for now I'm just fricken exhausted. I'm always at the brink of these huge blow-out, break-down tears and I'm always trying to work out how I can get my next fix;
A.K.A. a nap.
I'm suffering from postpartum depression (PPD) and even though I have several recent posts sitting in my drafts folder that talks about it, I haven't been able to finish any of them to post them on my blog. I think because maybe it's too heavy...? I'm living it so it doesn't feel like something "fun" to write about. It feels too raw, even though I know I need to write about it so I can get the ball rolling on my healing. But I do mean to post these blogs because I need to do this for myself and because I think it might help someone somewhere to know they are not alone in their dealing with PPD. I'm determined to bring some normalcy to it to help release the stigma. I didn't ask for PPD. I'm not feeling this way because I needed another project on top of having small children, trying to keep house, cook healthy meals for my family, breastfeed a baby and homeschool for the second year and oh yea, try to get my body back after having 3 kids too. Let's not even get to my freelance writing or my blog writing or children's book writing because right now those are pretty non-existant. So if you are reading this and can relate to any of these words regarding the PPD then please let me know in the comments below. You're not alone, My Friend! In fact, you can join me in bailing water out of the sometimes sinking ship. I'd love the conversation! Let's start a PPD hashtag on Twitter to get more support.
#PPDsupport (Click for more articles on my blog relating to PPD)
So, I have my pretty good, so so days and my horrible days and not many in between. In fact most have been the latter. I have a lot of horrible days lately. Then the kids go to bed way past their bedtime and I sit in my rocker feeling guilty from my horrible mood during the day or how much I yelled at the kids or how tired I was and how many times I dozed off in my rocker while nursing Baby Brother while the kids were playing Lego's, Magna-Tiles or Calico Critters or watching Wild Krats or something. Usually TV though. So I sit there nursing a tiny Baby Man who has also fallen asleep (but might wake if you move him) and my husband and I contemplate having a bowl of ice cream and what we should watch on Hulu and all seems to be OK for a bit because I start to recognize myself again and I recognize my husband again and laughter comes out of our mouths reminding me of the two young lovers who sat at the dinner table for hours drinking wine and talking about everything under the sun as opposed to the frustrated words of two over-tired, overworked, exasperated parents who can't get one word in to each other all evening, that isn't about the kids or work or regarding the mess and the stress. Our stressful mess. Then, regretfully, I stay up way too late because I'm trying to have some time alone in the quiet and peaceful stillness of my soul...
I'm not a morning person. At. All. I never have been - since birth, probably. I am always too tired. Too depleted and never feel rested. For as long as I can remember I have tried to see just how many more minutes of sleep I can eek out in the morning before I have to get my fat, tired ass into the bathroom to pee then off to
This week I have been trying to change some things to heal my PPD naturally:
- I have decided to get back on my supplements and vitamin routine so my energy doesn't "bottom out" like it does without them.
- I have been trying to juice everyday and incorporate more fresh, raw, organic veggies into my diet overall.
- I have been trying to avoid the "quick-fix" yet damaging snacks (bowls of cereal, mostly) because I don't think the processed wheat is doing me any favors. In fact, it's just time to admit already that we're simply not friends anymore. It makes me too angry.
- I have been trying to think more positively and eliminate any extra drama.
- I'm trying to get out in nature daily or do something fun (like take the kids swimming at the water park) as many days of the week as possible.
- I have been trying to not yell as much in the mornings to get the kids ready and out of the house. This one is hard! My family is really bad at getting going and I need to be better about my prep the night before to ensure smoother morning transactions. Dilly Dallier/Time Waster/Procrastinator Extraordinaire
I have been trying to go see a therapist and I intend to make an appointment with a new Naturopathic Doctor my friend told me about, but both of those things take a lot of time and a lot of money. Mostly because they are not covered under insurance at all. Much like most natural healing things, or more natural healthcare. They also add a bunch of added stress because I need to deal with child care and schedule time for that and then there's the whole, trying-to-get-everyone-out-of-the-house-on-a-certain-time-frame, fiasco.
I'm having a hard time at this whole motherhood thing right now. You'd think that after 7 plus years I'd be better at it, but not so much these days. I feel like most days need a do-over.
So for now I'm trying to do as many things as I can naturally or for free. Taking a walk in nature is free and provides more stress relief than medication or therapy combined. I just need to find a way to get the energy to actually do it, then figure out how I can make it last.
Until next time...