Pushing my fingers through my chest
past the bones,
feel the pain.
Lights blind my eyes as I reach in deep,
deeper down than I had planned.
There it is -
I hold my breath
in the haunting silence
of this room full of giants.
Small as a mouse I stand here bleeding...
I feel the pulse, pulse, pulsing through my fingers,
hair standing straight off my neck.
The light burning my eyes is whispering to me
letting me know I'm right where I should be.
Gasping and grasping tightly, I tug
forcing it to rip free.
Still pumping, ever pumping I pull it through the tunnel I left
to find my way out.
Because lord knows, I need a way out.
On the edge of a music stand I present this beating heart of mine as an offering to strangers in a dark room.
All of my stories, books full of stories pumping through those veins,
memories dripping, ever dripping to the floor.
My body still shrouded in pain -
and I can't help but wonder if it's too much for this young life
as I stand here yearning for more?
I smile and trust you with my soul because if I don't I'll die from a life less lived.
I'll collapse from the weight of these words I carry on my back
and the memories will haunt my mind like a ghost floating through an attic...
...like an addict floating through a life.
So here I stand before you
bones rattled bare
in my state of terrified adoration for the stage that calls me in my sleep.
And I will sing my pain for strangers in a dark room surrounded by giants
and if we all break free
ever free we will be
becoming angles who sing as one
-Colleen Duncan Canavan
*This poem was written after I got home from the amazing show at McCabe's Guitar Shop on August, 17, 2012. We went to see Sean Rowe who kicked ass and whose words made us think, they made us cry, they made us laugh and at times they made us want to jump up and dance. His soft spoken opener, Soko was charming and heartbreaking and the pain oozing out up on that stage made me want to slit my wrist half way though her set because it was so beautifully raw and touching. After she left the stage we all looked at each other and just said, "wow!"
This super cool evening was a birthday concert gifted to me by a very good, long time friend. We met all the way back in kindergarden. Thanks Leah! This was truly a wonderful gift because you see, I am a stay at home mom who has little ones. I have a baby and a preschooler who like me to tuck them into bed at night so evenings out like this are rare. Especially when they are not with my husband who encourages me to go. It was an awesome evening spent with wonderful people, delicious food, amazing live music and it left me feeling richly inspired - everything I ever want out of life.
Colleen Duncan Canavan "Coco Cana" is a freelance writer, two kids call her "mommy", a motorcycle riding hottie calls her "babe" and she is a lover of all things that burn deep within us. Except for heartburn, of course. That just sucks. You can follow her mom's blog called, My Tales From The Crib here.