My Tales From The Crib

Standing Ovation For The Single Moms

2012-02-02T22:17:00.000-08:00

I of course feel that all moms deserve a standing ovation for a job that at times seems very unappreciated, especially if you have babies because they are not yet old enough to throw their arms around your neck and give a tight squeeze as they say, "I love you mommy" and then plant a big pucker on you. Babies give love in their own way, but it's quiet and said without words. Sometimes we need the words. No offense babies.

So tonight, I'm sending out some major love to all of the moms out there who are going it alone. Either full-time because the dad is no longer in the picture or going it solo for a lengthy period of time because dad is in the military and is away for months and months at a time. I know of a mom who's husband is off fighting for our country right now, in danger for his life every single day and the days are in triple digits til she sees him again. My heart goes out to her because she has a toddler and is both the mother and the father to this child until daddy comes home.

Some moms are the mother and the father and daddy never comes home. I'm not quite sure how you are able to get everything done that needs to be done, but somehow you do it. There are so many nights where I'm so appreciative of my husband because he comes home after work and he'll give the kids a bath while I'm cooking dinner and then he'll put one of them to bed while I'm putting the other one to bed. Then, like now when I'm sick as a dog he really steps it up. As a stay-at-home-mom I don't get a sick days of course, but he does help out so much in the evenings. Two nights ago I lounged on the couch while he did bath, made dinner and put both kids to bed. Bless his heart! And I went to bed early too and he stayed up to do the dishes. I was literally the walking dead and I kept thinking, "how do single mom's do it?"

When I was pregnant with my first I met a mom who had ended her relationship with her boyfriend while she was still in early pregnancy. Just being pregnant I relied on my husband for so much support I didn't know how she was doing it alone, but I had no idea how hard it was to actually be a mother until baby girl came, and I had help. So to be a brand new mother all alone seemed terrifying to me. I remember her telling stories about how she had two jobs 6 days a week - a day job and a night job and her baby had two sitters - a day sitter and a night sitter. She didn't even have a full day off all week long because her days off overlapped and she'd usually pick up extra shifts anyway because she was always behind on money, so there were some weeks where she didn't have any time off at all.

One story of hers in particular made me so sad. She said when her baby was still just a lil guy (under a year old) and would nap in the car in the mornings in route to the day sitter and then again during the transition from the day sitter to the night sitter's house and then again from the night sitter's house to their apartment late at night, she would go several days without seeing her baby awake for a lengthy period of time, and for never any quality time, really. Several days! Except of course during the night feedings (which, yes, she still had to wake up several times a night for the first few months even though she was doing EVERYTHING alone all day long.) Babies don't get the memo that you are a single mom (or that you are sick on your death bed) and how it would be great if they just slept through the night. So in the wee hours in the morning when she'd wake the baby to get out the door in the mornings she'd have some baby love time and during the night several times she'd have some baby love time...but that was it. During her 1 hour commute to the day sitter in the mornings and from the day sitter to the night sitter's house (that was an hour and 45 minute commute) it was pure silence because baby was sleeping peacefully while she was left to her own thoughts of wishing things could be different, feeling guilty for never having any quality time with her baby - the one person she felt she ever truly loved with all of her heart, watching the long days drift into quick months, missing milestones while she dealt with catty co-workers, pushy bosses and rude customers. Many tears were shed on those long quiet drives between two jobs she'd rather not go to, and many hours were spent in vain trying to get a deadbeat dad to care for his child let alone pay for one damn thing. My heart ached for her.

Many said she did it to herself for getting involved with a looser guy who she herself said she knew was a deadbeat with no job, no car, and sleeping on a friend's couch when they were dating and "was stupid enough to get pregnant anyway" (her words). But still, who are we to judge? Life can cast many hard blows and when your children are affected by it, it stings that much more. Regardless of her situation and how she got there, I always wished she'd find a better life for herself and for her child. She was kind and looked for the good in people and she loved her baby with everything she had. She deserved a better life. Her mom died when she was young and her dad wasn't emotionally available to her. She lived far from any grandparents who might have care for her given the chance because her father didn't want them around. She thought she loved this guy and felt sick to her stomach when she realized she was pregnant, but never thought for one second of doing anything other than caring for her baby and was going to do her best to provide him or her with a life of love that she never really knew.

Whenever times get really tough on me and I feel alone as a mother who has a very wonderful and very supportive husband who will change poopy diapers without even being asked and who will rock babies to sleep in the middle of the night if he needs to, I always think about her and what she is doing. Driving in the snow with a sleeping baby bundled in the back of the car going from one crappy low paying job to the next and having no real idea how her baby spent the last 10 hours, or how he'll spend the next 8. Was he happy? Did he laugh at the puppy he saw while he was sitting in the stroller at the park? Did he spit out his carrots or did he like them this time? Did he cry for a long time when he went down for a nap? Did he miss mommy?

Always running late for her next job she never really had the time to have long conversations with the day sitter to ask her these things. And she wasn't exactly thrilled about her either nor was she thrilled about the older children she also watched during the day. But this was the only daycare provider she could find that was close to her work and who would keep the baby for that many hours during the day and sometimes on weekends, and most of all, one she could actually afford. She felt she had no choice. Luckily the night sitter was a family member who she knew would gladly dole out as many cuddles and loves as the baby needed. But the majority of the time he was with the night sitter was when he was asleep, so she had to put it out of her mind how much she wished she could switch the two sitters. But her jobs and their available hours and locations wouldn't allow for a switch.

She talked about how blessed she was to have a reliable car that could weather the snowstorms, an apartment that she didn't have to share with a stranger, two jobs that made it possible to provide her baby with the best life she could. She saved her money so she could buy him some nice, brand new things for his first birthday. She was doing it by herself and she was proud of herself. She'll never know how much I thought about her all those nights and days that I was having it rough too, but at least I was able to be home with my baby witnessing every movement she made all day long and then had help in the evenings when my husband got home. It doesn't mean that I didn't also see many dark days as a new mother despite my help and support or that I didn't deserve or have the right to complain about it. All mothers have it rough, especially brand new mothers and if anyone tries to tell you differently they are candy coating it for whatever reason and flat out, they are lying. Motherhood is hard. Not all of it, but a lot of it. The stuff that has no answers. The stuff that has no reasoning behind it.

Whether you have a perfect angel baby who sleeps through the night from birth and never makes a fuss as a toddler or if you have a colicky baby from day 1 til she is three months old and then at three months and 1 day she starts teething and is miserable from that for weeks at a time...it's a hard job and no one really prepares you for it. They try when we are pregnant with our baby, but we don't believe them, we aren't really listening because we think that we'll have it differently (and we do for the most part - still hard though) and we just cast them off as being overly negative or thinking that we are not going to be capable of being a mom. Until we are actually in the trenches is when we think back to that advise and think..."oh...that's what they were talking about. I get it now."

If you are a single mom or a military wife who is going it alone right now, give yourself a pat on the back. Go ahead...I'll wait. Smile at your accomplishments, give yourself credit for all of the hard work you've put in, all the hours and hours of overtime you've clocked that will not show up on your paycheck. Not in money anyway. But one of these days if it hasn't happened already, that sweet little bundle of joy sleeping next to you will come running up to you, throw her little chubby arms around your knees, look up at you with her sparkling eyes and say, "I love you mommy!" and you'll know it will all be worth it.

Please feel free to share your story here in the comments below. I'm listening, and know that someone out there somewhere is thinking about you and they are wishing the best for you too.

Water Baby

2012-01-20T23:43:00.000-08:00

Pool is ready, water is warm,

midwife, doula, hubby and me, I will not conform.

I'm breathing the way I need to,

moving the way I need to,

walking when I need to,

squatting when I need to.

Pacing the rooms, my feet are bare,

our lives on these walls, and soon baby is there.

I'm eating because I need to,

drinking when I need to,

only talking when I need to,

peacefully quiet because I need to.

Coldplay on the itunes,

fresh flowers wafting through,

feeling confident and strong

my body knows just what to do.

Laughing when I need to,

closing my eyes because I need to,

crying when I need to,

reaching out for you because I need you.

Room filled with soft whispers,

the only light is in the hall,

warm water pouring over my back,

not feeling rushed at all.

Rocking when I need to,

humming when I need to,

blocking out what I need to,

drawing inward because I need to.

Pain ever present, feeling like I need to push,

my body taking over, water breaking there's the woosh!

I'm kneeling because I need to,

embracing the feeling because I need to,

battle cries when I need to,

retreating home when I need to.

Husband is strong never leaving my side,

my head is in his chest.

Everyone is waiting for me to give their cue

because they know, I know myself best.

I'm pushing when I need to,

for however long my body needs to,

I'm moaning when I need to,

laboring naturally because I need to.

The baby is coming quickly now

as you can see in the water below!

Is our new little love

a baby girl or baby boy?

We still do not know!

I reach down because I need to,

catch my baby in my arms because I need to,

we embrace our new love because we need to,

Free to take the time that we need to.

We squeal in delight our baby is here

oh, such a magical joy!

After several minutes of loving this new bundle

we discover that he is a boy!

Holding him close because I need to,

cord cutting can wait because it needs to,

adjusting peacefully because he needs to,

in mama's arms because we need to.

Everyone is happy and safe,

bouncing baby boy is ten pounds!

The house is bright and filled with love

and all sorts of new baby sounds.

A shower and my bed because I need to,

breastfeed him when he needs to,

skin to skin because we need to,

all three napping together because we need to.

After a peaceful sleep big sister is here!

She wants to meet “baby brother.”

She knew all along it'd be you coming to her,

this bond is like no other.

Believe in yourself because you need to!

Your heart is telling you what it needs to,

trust yourself because you need to,

Be strong for your baby, because he needs you.

By Colleen Duncan-Canavan

Dec 4, 2011

This poem was inspired by my water baby, Ely Finn. Born at home, caught by his mother. I'm waiting to hear back if this will be accepted into an anthology. I'll update it here if it was chosen.

Thank you for your support!

2012-01-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take this time to send out a thank you for your love and support with my story, "Thank You For Coming To Me Baby Brother."

Many of my facebook family and friends voted for my story and so many of you promoted it on your page and got your friends and family and co-workers, etc. to vote too and I appreciate that so much! I still have a few more raffles to pick too, so stay tuned! I'll be writing a blog post to thank all of you individually who supported my little story, so I'll share that on here as well. I have not forgotten you and I appreciate you very much!

The MeeGenius contest is officially over and it appears that they have decided not to choose "Baby Brother" as a semi finalist. They will announce the semi-finalists officially on Jan 31st. I wrote them an email last week asking them if they already sent out the emails but I read it on their facebook page today that they have already chosen them and sent out emails. The number of semi-finalists is undetermined. Despite the fact that I was fairly certain I was going to be a judge's pick, they have another vision for their ebooks library, and I'm actually excited about the possibilities that are now out there for me to explore with my story and the others in the "older sibling/baby sibling"series. Many people have asked me to write other versions of my story so their child can have one about them too, so I plan to do just that. I'll be working on a Big Sister/Baby Sister version, a Big Brother/Baby Sister version and a Big Brother/Baby Brother version! I'd love to hear any ideas you may have for these stories. If you have any special moments that have been shared between your own children that you can see fitting into one of these stories, I'd love to hear it! Please share in the comments section of this blog post or you can email me too at: colleen@mnky.com.

I'm not bummed that it wasn't chosen because of all of the positive feedback I have received from all of this. I'm looking at this as a blessing in disguise because I really see this book as a hard cover book that you can own and have it on your shelf, where you can sit and read it and physically flip through the pages even if you don't have an ipad/iphone. It will be published one way or another either through self publishing or through finding a publisher who believes in this story as much as I do. However, I'll need to wait til April of 2012 before it's "officially released" back to me. MeeGenius still has the rights to publish it later after the contest is over. I'm not sure why they would do that if it's not a semi-finalist, but we'll see. I'd rather it just be released back to me at this point so I can find a publisher to make it into a physical book.

I'm so overwhelmed by all of the love and support so many of you have given me and my little story, as well as the perfect strangers who took the time to vote and leave me a comment to tell me how it touched them. I'm going to print up all of my comments and treasure them always. I will also compile them into one blog post so my mom can read all of them too, haha. Or anyone else for that matter.

Thank you again soooo much! It really touched my heart beyond words how so many of you took the time to support me and my writing. It means a lot and I'm very grateful to have so many of you in my life and call my friend. Thank you.

xoxoxo

~*Colleen

My Story...

2012-01-01T12:14:00.001-08:00

I'm going to write a blog about the children's story I wrote that was in a contest to get published. Come back soon for that...

Halloween Night

2011-11-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

The scene: Halloween night....
The location: Your neighbor's porch.
The cast: Your 3 year old daughter.

You walk up to the door with your child, "Trick or Treat!" They reach into a big bowl full of little snickers, reese's pb cups, m&m's, twix and other chocolatey delights. Then, under a milkey way you spot...the Dots. The bogus, lame chewy things that stick to all of your back teeth. Inside you are screaming, "NO! Don't do it! Reach left, LEEEEFT!"...but alas, they pick up "the dots." And you walk away all sad and chocolateless.

What is the deal with Dots anyway? Sweet score or totally bogus?

The Toddler Gourmet: SNACKS-Peanut Butter & Pumpkin Toast. It's sure to pass the yummy test!

2011-11-03T15:55:00.000-07:00

For our first edition of The Toddler Gourmet I thought I'd give a shout out to my favorite season, Pumpkin Season! Having two kids who are eating regular meals now, I need to get creative as to what to fix so that they can both eat the same thing so I don't feel like a short order cook. My lil guy who is a year old already (that year whizzed by, let me tell you!) just got the OK from our ped to start eating peanut butter. And since no one in our family, immediate or extended is allergic to peanuts, I figured that would be a great snack to help fill him up.

My good friend Leah gave me some awesome pumpkin butter for my birthday (thanks Leah!) and we've been putting it on our toast in the morning. One day by accident because I was so sleep deprived I spread pumpkin butter on my already peanut buttered toast and...Voilà, Peanut Butter & Pumpkin Toast was born! I let my daughter have a bite and all I heard were the "yummy noises" and the fact that I needed to make another piece so I could actually have some was enough for me to add it to our regular menu. I made some for the baby and cut it into tiny pieces (which is sort of a mess, btw) and he loved it too!

What you'll need:

-Organic unsalted, creamy peanut butter.*
-Pumpkin butter
-Whole grain bread**

Toast the bread for however long you like (lightly toasted if it's for a baby). Add a layer of peanut butter and top with pumpkin butter (as you would jelly). Cut into 4's for an older toddler or into a million tiny bits if it's for a baby. ;-)

*Try to buy organic whenever possible (AKA "affordable"). If you shop at Trader Joe's, you can find organic products that are just a bit less than their conventional counterpart. (I once saw only a 20 cent difference in zucchini at Trader Joe's in the summer! I was shocked!) I also like to do unsalted creamy for the kids. My preschooler can do unsalted crunchy when spread thin, but since I'm doing this recipe for both of them I opt for unsalted creamy.

Variations:

Bread **
We like to use anything whole grain. Raisin bread is quickly becoming a fan favorite in our house, and we just discovered a new bread at Trader Joe's that is called Panetone Bread (just like the Italian bread you find around the holidays) but this is in a loaf and sliced. My preschooler LOVED it!

And of course this edition of The Toddler Gourmet is even a hit for mama when paired with a pumpkin spice latte, a good book and 20 minutes of quiet time! If you are lucky enough to make this happen please light your holiday candle to go with it!

Enjoy!

Photo Notes:
Baby Boy: Yes, you're right...I probably should've wiped his nose before taking his picture for the world to see. And it's neither Thanksgiving nor Baby's first Thanksgiving either. Let's just say he's lucky he's not still wearing his sister's princess jammies with the poofy sleeves from the night before. We're recycling. Recession and all...
Big Sister: Pay no attention to the junk on the shelf behind her. C'est la vie...with 2 kids! And the black dot on her bread is a raisin....I hope...

Will your toddler eat anything with pumpkin? If so, what are your favorite pumpkin inspired recipes for the kids?

My Little Dancer

2011-06-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Summer loves to dance. I've been wanting to get her into a dance class for a while now and it just hasn't worked out with preschool and our move, etc. So today she starts her first dance class through the summer parks & rec program. It's a princess dance class where they get to wear their princess costume and each week they get to do a princess craft to take home too. The last class they have a little tea party and show off their new moves. The perfect class for any three year old little girl! I'm not sure who's more excited, Summer or....her parents! My mom and dad are now retired and on summer vacation respectively so they will be coming too. Again, I don't know who's more excited for this class to start!

Last season of So You Think You Can Dance (she was 2 yrs old) she loved watching it and would try to follow along with the dances. She even perfected her "krump face". This season started and just watching the commercials for it she would squeel and cheer and start to dance. If she was in her high chair she would say, "Mama I've gotta get down so I can dance FUN-KEY!" A few weeks later every time she heard any music on TV she would say "I need to dance! I need to dance!" We knew she'd love her new preschool class because as we were leaving to drop her off the teacher started a little tape player with music and had all of the kids get up to dance. Summer was in heaven bouncing around the floor like a curly-haired kernel of popcorn! So I was determined to find a class that was starting soon.

So last night, the eve before her dance class I decided to break our rule of giving her too much advanced warning for fun stuff (a hard lesson you inevitably learn when you reach Toddlervile), and I told her that she was starting her new dance class tomorrow and that she gets to wear her princess costume and she chose to wear her Snow White costume for the first class. (She was Snow White for Halloween...when she was 18 months old. Haha! Hopefully it will fit!) I said when you wake up we'll have a yummy breakfast and Grammy & Baba will come over and then we'll all go to your Princess Dance Class! She was so excited, which kept her awake longer than usual.

So this morning I'm in the shower and Todd was in the kitchen and Summer flew her door open, came running down the hall (scaring Todd half to death!) and she said at the top of her lungs,

"Daddy! I'm ready to dance!"

For The Love of God...Please Nap.

2011-06-24T10:23:00.001-07:00

I find the inspiration to write from many things. Some of it comes from conversations or things I've read from other moms' posts, a lot of it comes from the funny things my daughter or husband says. Today it comes from my total lack of finesse for putting my 8 mo old down for a nap. Usually I'm a pro at taking a sleeping baby from my arms and laying him in his crib, slipping my arm out from under his head and sneaking off into the other room. I've even been able to transfer a sleeping infant from a car seat to the crib without so much as a peep, which is usually the kiss of death. Today...not so much.

It started out well. I nursed Little Man in the morning where, usually he will fall asleep for about an hour. This is his "morning nap". I stood up, changed the position of my arms (baby still asleep), walked into his room and was pretty sloppy in putting him down because my back was hurting a bit (another issue...grrr.) And he did that pissed off flopping around thing where his arms and legs flail open as well as his eyes. Boo. So when this happens in the past "my move" has been to quickly roll him to his desired fetal position du jour, place both hands on his body as well as my face on his cheek or neck or head (yes I'm leaning WAY over into the crib at this point) and I'll stay there for a moment where I can then slowly move back once I can feel that he has fallen back asleep. Since he was just in my arms, the baby wrap or being nursed to sleep (I know some see this as a bad habit) the warmth and comfort of my body on his when he starts to wake up usually gets him to fall back asleep. I'm also lucky that he is a thumb sucker. And yes I do see this as very lucky (at this point in life...talk to me at 3 yrs old and I might not see it the same way.) But for now I think it's great because the second I take him off the boob the thumb goes right into the mouth and he (usually) stays asleep. It works for both of us. I no longer have to sit on the couch for a 2 hour nap with a sleeping baby on my lap, desperately fearful of moving him and him waking up.

This was the situation with Birdie. She'd fall asleep after I nursed her and I didn't dare move off the couch because she would absolutely wake up and then nap time A.K.A. "mama's free time" would be over. She didn't suck her thumb or take a paci so we really had to work on the whole "soothing herself to sleep" thing. But it's funny because that is exactly what Little Man is doing, but it's seen as such a bad thing by so many people. "Don't let him suck his thumb!" Really? How in the world are you supposed to stop an infant from sucking their thumb? Anyway...

So this went on pretty much all afternoon with him falling asleep and me totally blanking up the execution of putting him into his crib. Him flailing around all pissed at the world, eyes flinging open like it's the cops banging at your door at 3am and then....game over. It's a no nap day. Better search the freezer for some chocolate.

What's your go-to, get better, bad day, pick-me-up? Mine are chocolate and lattes. Preferably together. ;-)

Doing What I Love...A Tribute To My Mom

2011-06-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

My mom is retiring from the school district this year after working there for 23 years. She started out as a Written Language Instructor in a program called Back to Back. In a nut shell, she taught a creative writing class to elementary school students. Can you imagine a class like that existing today in a public school in LBUSD? It's a shame that after 9 very successful years they lost funding and cut the program and all of those wonderful stories and ideas and a place to get those creative juices flowing out of those little kids was just gone. Several years later she had her full circle moment at Pavilions where a young man came up to her and said, "Excuse me? Are you Mrs. Duncan?" and she said, "yes?.....Oh hi Scott!" and he was talking about her creative writing class and he told her how much he loved it and that it was so inspiring to him and it meant so much to him after all these years that he decided to become a journalism major in college. It was a very proud moment.

Last weekend was my mom's retirement party with all of her co-workers and she asked me to write a little something to say at the breakfast. I immediately knew I wanted to touch upon what she did all those years ago because she was now working in special ed and all of the teachers who remembered the Back to Back program were long since retired or had moved on to other schools. She has absolutely bloomed where she was planted in the special ed program, but I know she missed teaching that class for a long time. I wanted to high light that very creative time in my mom's life and hopefully spark her interest in writing again as she gets ready to retire. Retired people need a hobby, ya know! But in doing so I realized that I had reignited my own love for writing that has taken somewhat of a back seat since starting a family 3+ years ago.

I have always loved to write and thanks to my mom I have called myself a "writer" since I was in first grade. My mom was extremely encouraging to me and always enjoyed my writing. In my "late teens".....(ahem).... ok, ok mid twenties, I moved up to Hollywood to pursue a career in acting only to find my true calling was still writing. I ended up working with a group of actors who became friends whom I fondly referred to as "The 24's" and we'd write, direct and put on a show in 24 hours, called The 24-Hour Plays. It's an extremely intense and completely creative process that was terrifying at the same time since I was one of the writers. After that first one where I swore I'd never do another one I got hooked and made sure to participate in the monthly show about 4 times after that. I even got my mom to come out and co-write one with me while she was on summer break and in addition o writing she was our lead actress in her stage debut! We had a blast and stayed up for a total of 33 hours by the time the curtain closed.

I got married and moved as far away as possible from that seedy little stage in Hollywood where we'd put on our evening of one act plays, but I never stopped writing. Todd and I moved to the Island of Kauai (in Hawaii for those who've asked me, "where is that?") just two months after we got married in June 06 and I quickly joined a group of women writers and wrote another one-act play that won one out of only two spots to be put up as a Dinner Theatre at a local resort. It was a successful sold out show and it had "rave reviews" in our tiny island paper with not much else going on (haha), so that was really fun thing to be a part of. Unfortunately, I became very sick with morning sickness and a weird "jungle flu" I caught on Kauai that landed me in the hospital in my early pregnancy with my first born, so I wasn't able to actually direct my show. Which for a total control freak over my own work like myself was really hard to totally give the reigns to someone else, who was a complete stranger no less, so I was seeing it for the first time as the audience was seeing it. It ended up great and the audience seemed to enjoy it and although I had a very different vision for it, it was really fun to see a mans perspective (who was in his 70's btw!) on a show that had a strong female lead and was a very "girl power" piece. I was pretty impressed that he stayed true to the script and didn't change too much.

So now fast forward to 2011 and I am a stay-at-home mom to a 3 year old daughter Summer Rainbow (born on Kauai hint-hint, haha) and an 8 month old son Ely Finn and the fire inside to write and create still burns and has become stronger since I started working on my mom's presentation a few weeks ago. My whole life I have loved to make people laugh especially when I write and what's funnier than pregnancy, child birth, newborns, toddlers, husbands....?...Well OK so maybe those things alone aren't very funny but add in a sleep deprived, over worked, under paid, totally overwhelmed new mom's point of view and we're talking hilarious people! Pure magic! Well...to another sleep deprived, over worked, under paid, totally overwhelmed new mom maybe....OK, my own mom thinks it's hilarious, so there you go. I just hope to put a smile on your face between wiping baby barf off your laptop and planning playdates with the one kid your toddler will actually share with. Please join me and my moms blog as I journey into the writing world here at blogger by subscribing to my page or if you "Like" you can be the first to join my facebook page by the same name:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Tales-From-The-Crib/206702489375070

I'd love to know:

What do you love to do? What is the one true passion in your life that is the first thing that pops into your brain the instant someone asks you that question? It's the one thing that (usually) doesn't take any thought at all, (unless you are totally trying to deny yourself this life long passion) it's just there...BAM! In your head before the question is even finished. All of the other things that you hem & haw about are just hobbies. They can still be great and bring you much joy but your passion, the fire inside that can't be ignored no matter where you live, how much money you have, how old you are, how long you've been married or single or divorced or widowed...that never goes away! Or if it does it just needs a little spark to get it back like mine did. Thanks mom! ;-)

Big Girl Pre-school (posted on 6/9/11)

2011-06-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

We signed Birdie up for "big girl pre-school" yesterday. Since January we've been going to a mommy-and-me pre-school through parks & rec and I'd take Little Man with us to and it was 2.5 hours or so depending if we stayed after to play. Otherwise the actual class was 2 hours. This class is a full 2 hours and 45 minutes. They take their lunch and then play. We told her that she gets to go to pre-school all by herself and she's very excited about that. This will be the first time Birdie will be gone that long without mama, and not at Grammy's house. But it's time and this will be good for all of us. She'll love the class I'm sure!!

Random Thoughts...

2011-06-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

It's pretty bad when you find a thing of leftovers in the fridge and think, "now when did I cook that?"

It's even worse when you smell it, kinda shrug, smell it again - but like you're trying to take the color out of it or something, nose almost touching the food, shrug again, then take a bite.

Need to get back on track!

2011-06-08T18:25:00.000-07:00

OK the madness has got to stop! We got into a really bad habit during our move of eating crap food, going through the drive thru, eating way too much ice cream after dinner....buying ice cream by the gallon and then when it runs out we replace it pretty much within a day or so...this is not normal behavior for us at all and it has got to stop. I'm pretty bummed because we did so well a few months back when we took part in a weight loss challenge but because of being so stressed out from the move we ate really bad food to deal with our stress, so we've gained a lot of it back. Which is hard to admit. I don't know how much because I don't know where our scale is, (part of that is I haven't actually looked for it...) but I can feel in my clothes that I have gained weight back and I can tell from how I look that I have gained weight back. Just in time for summer, right? Ugh.

I need to start drinking water more, I need to just say "no" in the store so I don't have to say no at home after a tough day with the kids where all I'm thinking about is sitting in front of the TV and having some ice cream to totally veg out. I need to start moving more. But I'm so tired all the time. I'm caught in that vicious cycle thing where I don't have any energy to work out and because I'm not working out I'm not getting any energy...if that makes sense.

The bright side is, we stopped eating fast food and I'm cooking dinners again. I just prepped a bunch of fruit to have on hand quickly and I'm about to prep some lettuce and some bell peppers. So it's a start. But why is it so hard?! Sometimes I feel like it can be the easiest thing in the world for me to say no to eating junk and times like right now I feel like I can't buy any will power.

Any advice?

Don't mess with nap time!

2011-06-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

OK, so we're trying to sell our stove on craigslist since we moved and can't take it with us and these people called and set up a time to go pick it up (I'm assuming they are an appliance company that does resale because they didn't even want to come and look at it, "we'll come and pick it up") Well, they flaked just as I was going to pack the kids in the car and make the half hour drive down to the LB-after I already set it up with the landlord to have the house open for them to come and get it. And 30 minutes after they said they were leaving the valley which would take them a good hour and a half in traffic to come and get it at 3pm...they flaked and said they can't come til tomorrow morning. I imagine it's because they realized it's going to take them a good 4 hours round trip to come and get it and they'd rather bang it out in the morning. Well, just as I hung up with them to confirm the first time that they were leaving right then I received a text from someone else asking if it's still avail. I wrote back and said someone was just coming to get it, and he wrote back to say thank you. I fed Little Man and changed his diaper and got Birdie all ready to finally get in the car to go and so she could finally take a nap, they called back 30 min later to tell me that they didn't have another guy to help lift it and they can't come tonight. Grrrr...so now these people are messing with nap time! Mama is pissed because Summer has been bouncing off the friggin' walls today and I was so looking forward to taking her on a little sleepy drive at 2ish so that she could get a nice normal nap in. Well now it's after 3 and no dice! ;-( Again...grrr!!! So I called the guy who sent the text and told him it was avail if he wanted to come and get it tonight and I'm just waiting for his call....

Keep your fingers crossed. I'll update as soon as I know more....

Created a Monster?

2011-06-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

Ok so I *might* have created a little monster here...not sure. But this morning I was making a latte (hooray for home espresso machines btw!) and I was using coconut cream creamer and Summer wanted to smell it saying she LOVES coconut...?...She's never had it, LOL, anyway so I let her smell it and she wanted to have some. So I put a teaspoon in her milk and she FLIPPED out! She absolutely loved it and now...well, let's just say I hope I didn't create a monster here, haha. At least she drank her milk, right?

For The Baby Books

2011-06-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start "jotting" things down here that will eventually go into the baby books. But at least this way it will be dated in case I forget. I'll probably just keep updating this particular post.

SUMMER: The other day Summer saw her name written down on a piece of paper and she said, "look mama, it's my name. It says S-U-M-M-E-R: Summer!" She had been 3 for about a month. I was very proud. I'll have to tell Mrs. Salazar (her preschool teacher) next time I see her because at preschool each child has a name tag and Mrs. Salazar has said that when you give them their name tag point to each letter in their name and spel it out then say the word, so that is what we have been doing since we started preschool in January and sure enough one day she did it back to us perfectly. Proud mama moment!

ELY: Little Man has been coo'ing and making all these different noises lately that sound like he's talking. (A-Ga! Da-da-da) He's rolling and rolling all over the floor now and he looks like he's about to crawl any day now. I'm OK that he's not crawling though! He started eating solids recently too.

More to come...

Random Thoughts...

2011-06-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

I love how I'll look at a large thing of Coconut Cream flavored creamer at the store and think, "damn, that's expensive" because it's $4.50 but I don't think twice when I'm at the drive thru at Starbucks and I order a caramel frappuccino and they say, "that will be $5.50 at the next window" and I'm like. OK.

Everywhere But The Burpie Cloth! Top 10 Places I Never Expected To Find Baby Barf

2011-04-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

1.) Running down my cleavage and pooling in the fabric of my bra waiting to drench my stomach.

2.) Dripping from the seam of my dining room table where it pulls apart for a leaf.

3.) The back of the couch...the part that is not accessible due to it being right up against the wall and windows.

4.) Inside the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.

5.) Completely drenching my husband's watch. As if he marinated it in a bucket of barf.

6.) Dripping down the back of my calves into my socks and shoes.

7.) The foot pedals of the elliptical machine and the innermost workings of the wheels.

8.) Inside a brand new purse....that had just gotten filled with everything I own.

9.) Computer keyboard.

10.) Directly into the mouth from flying baby superman position. Hey, I warned my husband about that one.

Take it while you can get it.

2011-03-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

Well, it's 4 pm and everyone just fell asleep. Birdie fell asleep in her high chair while she was eating her very late lunch and Baby Boy just fell asleep on the nursing pillow, and you know what? I'll take it. Yes it's after 4pm and my 3 yr old toddler who normally wakes up from her nap at this time will probably be a wild maniac at 9pm...but I'll take it because I NEED it. I need a bit of peace and quiet without someone yelling at me for something. It's been one of those days and everyone has been yelling all day long.

Today is the second day it has rained so we're quite crazy around here. Yesterday it rained REALLY bad and I had Bay with me all day at a baby shower an hour away. So Dada was home with Birdie all day long, totally cooped up in the house as it dumped buckets of rain all day long without a single moment of a break and she did not nap all-day-long. That is rough. He was pretty frazzled when I got home and I don't blame him. I've been there. Heck, I live there on a daily basis. I call it Toddlerville and we serve up crazy all day long. So it's good for him to see from time to time what it's like. Even though he totally believes me how hard it can be to have an infant and a toddler. And he always lets me complain. And then he helps...and I don't mean he'll only hold the baby while he's reading motorcycle racing blogs online (which he'll do that too), but he'll like change poopy diapers without me even having to ask him, so he's a total keeper when it comes to baby daddy's. "Did you make a poo poo?...OK, let's go change your diaper" type of thing. God bless him! Not afraid to get up in there.

But getting back to the nap at 4pm thing...I'm not even going as far as moving her from her high chair because I don't want to mess it up. So I'm just letting her take a nap sitting up. Kinda like the naps I take everyday, haha. (While I'm nursing the baby.)

Take it while you can get it.

On that note..the baby just woke up. So I got about 24 minutes. Not bad.

Long time no post...

2010-06-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since I have posted on here. Too long in fact and I need to change that. So I'm now 22 weeks pregnant with our second baby, and Summer is now 26 months old. Where does the time go anyway? We're due October 2nd. (The date changed again..it was the 8th, then it was the 1st, now it's the 2nd.) But baby comes when it wants to come, so I don't pay much attention to due dates. Summer was 5 days late. I'm assuming this baby will be too. Todd's birthday is October 3rd, so he is hoping for a birthday baby. Which is fine with me. I'm just hoping for a smaller baby and an easier labor, and while I'm at it, nice and quick to please? Thanks!

We decided not to find out what we are having. Everyone assumes it's a boy since we already have a girl. We're OK with either. My only preference is healthy and happy, 10 fingers and 10 toes. Oh, and maybe one who will sleep like a champ. That would be a nice change. No offense Summer. Mommy loves you. But mommy loves sleep too!

Summer always says when asked about this baby that it's a "baby boy." She has never once said "baby girl." So who knows, we'll see. Todd keeps referring to the baby as a girl. It's more of a habit I think since we don't know any other way. I'm keeping my gut feelings to myself since my gut was wrong before since I was TOTALLY convinced that Summer was a boy. Either way, we'll know for sure in October 2010!

My "Pregnancy Diet" Journal

2010-06-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

My “Pregnancy Diet” Journal-First Entry

22 weeks pregnant (exactly 5 1/2 months) -18 weeks to go

I've decided to blog my journey to give up sugar and junk like I told the ladies on the 22 week page of the pregnancy message board I belong to. Please feel free to follow along. I'm trying to keep a record of my progress for myself and this is the easiest way for me to do that. Pregnant or not, hopefully you'll join me in the fight against junk!

I'm not actually on a “diet” where I'm cutting calories, I've just decided to “eliminate” empty calories by cutting out all the garbage since I'm pregnant. But I don't know what else to call it for blog purposes. I'm open to suggestions!

Here's why: I have read many things and heard from many OBGYN doctors including my OB that sugar in the mother's diet is a big factor when it comes to how big the baby will be at birth. I know there are just some things out of our control, such as genetics, but why take that gamble if you can make better changes to your diet that not only helps the growth of the baby, but also helps you in keeping the excess weight down and gets you on the right track for a healthier life in general. I was 6 lbs and DH was 5 lbs, but my daughter was almost 9lbs. So I know diet and sugar played a role in that because I didn't watch what I ate as much with her. Also, we have a lot of people in my family and DH's side too with Type 2 Diabetes and high blood pressure and heart problems and weight problems, etc., so I'm trying to help prevent a lot of that stuff too, in myself by making better choices now in my early 30's that will hopefully last me throughout life, as well as giving a great start to the baby in the belly as well as the baby who is taking a nap right now. That is also why I was so adamant about breastfeeding with my first born despite how hard it can be in the first 6 weeks or so. Studies show that you can reduce the risks of Type 2 Diabetes, breast cancer, allergies and a million other things by simply breastfeeding.

With my first pregnancy I hardly gained that much in the first and second trimester. I actually lost over 15 lbs in the first trimester due to a weird virus I caught on Kauai which landed me in the hosp for a week at 7 1/2 weeks pregnant and it lasted throughout my 2nd trimester. My doc said he was concerned about me not gaining enough weight at first, I was no where near even gaining back the 15 I had lost, so I just started eating whatever I wanted, and didn't think about it because he gave me the green light, right? So I had junk food, dessert, fast food, late night snacks of Honey Bunches of Oats which is pretty sugary, on top of my regular meals and it actually backfired on me because I developed some really bad habits that were hard to break for a long time after the baby was born even. And then I was used to eating like that and having sweets a lot when I really should have been having healthy meals, but just more volume, and more healthy snacks too. So by the end of the pregnancy I gained more than HE thought I should have, which makes you feel like you did something wrong and he was like, you're gaining too much now, so stop. Well, I already had the bad habits and I was miserable since it was the very end of the pregnancy, which made me eat more. So this time I'm making some changes early. I didn't actually start exercising regularly with my first pregnancy until week 27, but then I was swimming laps almost daily as well as doing the eliptical machine and walking the hills in my neighborhood plenty.

So, Summer was 8 lbs 9.8 oz, and it took forever for me to push her out, (and I'm not a petite person by any means. I'm curvy, have “good birthing hips” as I've been told, haha, and I'm almost 5'9” and when not pregnant, I usually weigh around 155-165ish, so I've never been petite. And still it was work getting that big baby out!) so this time around I'm making a conscious effort to cut out all excess sugar, chemicals, processed foods, etc. That doesn't mean I'm eliminating whole and natural foods that contain sugar naturally, like fruit and stuff. I'm still eating whole grains, good carbs, fruits, nuts, veggies, including the ones that back in the Atkins Diet days were deemed “bad for you” like carrots and potatoes. I've never been one to just eliminate a necessary food group in the spirit of fad dieting, mainly because I'm trying to get people to make better food choices, become more aware of portion control and exercise more as a Pilates Instructor.

However, I am OK with kicking the sugary coffee drink habit, the occasional Saturday morning donut binge, the “quick” run through Taco Bell or In-N-Out Burger because I didn't plan my lunch properly, the nightly peanut butter and fudge ice cream sundae just because “it's time to watch a netflicks”, and lets not forget my absolute favorite; the big fatty restaurant breakfast of an avocado, cheddar cheese and crispy bacon omelette, home fries and sourdough toast with enough butter to choke a horse and plenty of regular coffee with so much cream and sugar you'd think I was just drinking warm milk...a breakfast which more times than not made me feel like talking a long nap the minute I left the restaurant despite having only been awake for about 2+ hours...stuff like that. Let's face it, NO ONE needs any of that stuff, but especially when you are trying to grow a human being from scratch in your body, and the foods you eat play an enormous role in that, you don't need all the artificial chemicals and greasy fat and processed and altered sugar that make food taste yummy. You need lean proteins, whole foods, whole grains, fresh produce, milk, eggs, yogurt, stuff like that. So when I say that I'm giving up sugar, I mean the yummy treats listed above as well as all the junk that people buy pre-packaged with preservatives, chemicals and “made-in-a-lab” ingredients.

So these are some of the things I have totally gone cold turkey on or am trying to go cold turkey on at the moment:

-processed/refined sugar,

-adding additional sugar to foods and drinks (like iced tea, coffee),

-prepackaged food and junk that lists ingredients I can not pronounce nor have in my cupboard,

-any and all fast food/fried food, including fast food salads and fast food salad dressings that are loaded with sugar and chemicals,

-anything that has an artificial sweetener-which is way more harmful than regular sugar since it's all chemicals made in a lab to taste like sugar,

-sugary coffee drinks, all soda drinks and jamba juice type smoothies (that I didn't make at home),

and then of course the typical players in the diet game:

-cakes, cookies, candies, pastries, donuts, muffins, (unless I made it at home with modified ingredients.)

...basically anything you'd find in a Starbucks pastry case, at an AM PM/ Seven-Eleven, or in a vending machine. It's a work in progress. I'm not perfect, but this is my goal. I tend to do better when I have written it out and have some guidelines to follow, so that is why I've decided to keep track on my blog as a journal.

But I'm definitely not talking about an extreme dieters version of “not having a carrot because it's bad for you, but I'll have a diet coke and 8 pieces of bacon to go with my 4 eggs!” Haha! P.S. That was an actual breakfast someone I know had during their Atkin's Diet days, meanwhile I was eating an egg white scramble with diced grilled chicken, spinach, tomatoes, and feta cheese with whole wheat toast and fresh fruit...and MY breakfast was the “unhealthy” one! Gotta love it!

So for the past few weeks I have gone cold turkey on sugar and a ton of junky foods. It was really hard at first; I'd say for the first week for sure, and I had a lot of cravings for my usual junk snacks that were usually on hand and many times I would “almost” fall into old habits like running through Taco Bell for a taco and an 8 layer burrito before or after grocery shopping. Mainly because I wasn't prepared with something healthy in the car, or I didn't eat a balanced enough breakfast that should last me a few hours while running errands, or simply because it was a bad habit to treat myself with a comfort food like Taco Bell because I was having a stressful day because my two year old threw a tantrum in Target because she wanted out so she could push the cart-meanwhile she needs a diaper change cuz she pooped in isle 4 and of course the diaper bag is in the car, it's dangerously close to nap time and I've still got a bunch of things on my list! I tend to eat when stressed, and a day like this can be a very typical one with a toddler...so I find myself stressed A LOT these days. I think a major factor for me is just being more prepared in general, but with quick and healthy snacks especially.

However, like I said, I'm not “perfect” (whatever that means anyway) and I do have my one daily splurge of “manmade sugar and chemicals”, haha. Pretty much every morning my husband makes me about a 12 oz (decaf) latte and I add 2 TBSP of my favorite flavored creamer. So depending on which one I use, it's about 10-12 g of sugar/latte. But it's better than the caramel macchiato I would normally get at Starbuck's. I don't make my own bread or multigrain cheerio's, so those are packaged items, but I do get whole grain bread with nuts and seeds in it. Which has more calories per slice, but all that extra stuff is good for you so I'm OK with the extra calorie count. It's high in fiber, so that helps in the calorie department as you know if you have ever done Weight Watchers.

Anyway, so this is my goal. To follow this plan for myself in hopes for many things, but mainly I'm hoping to keep the baby around 8 lbs, 7lbs would be great too, but please God, no more than 9!! haha! Because I'd like to have a natural birth (it's now referred to un-medicated I'm finding out) because a natural birth these days just means vaginal. Anyway, so my hope is to continue to stay low risk in the pregnancy so that I can have some other options for birthing like outside of the hospital with a midwife perhaps, and have a water birth in a birthing center or even at home without I.V.s and fetal heart monitoring and all that stuff that IMO just gets in the way of the birthing process. We'll see. Our birthing class starts later this month and runs all through the 3rd trimester, so I'll find out more about other options that are completely typical in other parts of the world, but here in the US it's not considered the norm, so you really have to fight for it. Which is a disservice to women in my opinion.

Happy Baby Baking to my fellow preggo mama's in week 22 on the IAP message board who are following along and who are joining me as well! We can do it! Cutting out one sugar packet at a time! Haha!

Colleen

Snow White's Halloween Adventures!

2009-11-04T09:25:00.001-08:00

Summer Trick-or-Treating at her own house with Grammy!

The very cute candy bag that Nana made for her!

~18 months old~Probably my favorite age so far!

2009-10-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Some random thoughts about being 18 months old:

It seems like everyday Summer is doing or saying something new. Just today she started to "moo" like a cow when we were watching her Baby Einstein DVD and I pointed to a cow and said "moo." She also said "apple"..well it was more like "app!" But she said it each time they showed the apple, so I"ll give it to her! She said "blue" when they showed a blue cup. She has been saying "duck" a lot too and I didn't teach her intentionally. We just happened to be going to the park to feed the ducks, and then the next day she saw a duck on her DVD and said "duck!" Then she pulled out her yellow ducky at bath time and showed Dada and said "duck." He was quite impressed. So it just goes to show us that she is listening to every word we say!!

She is babbling all day long, chatting away saying who knows what! But she sure knows what she is talking about, that's for sure!

Every time we go to Trader Joe's they give her a balloon. She absolutely loves balloons! After they "die" we cut the strings short and she drags them around with her everywhere she goes. We try to name them according to color. So far most of her toys have boys names, so we've been trying to use more girls names. So far, her favorite balloons have been Miss Lavender, Miss Mandarin and Miss Scarlet.

She is very independent, strong willed full of energy and she knows exactly what she wants and doesn't want. However, when other people are around she can be very quiet and she'll just study you until she feels comfortable enough to crack a smile. Which can take a while. She's not easily "won over." Haha!

She is getting to the point where she doesn't want me to feed her with a spoon anymore. She likes to do it herself, and she's pretty good at it too. She can eat yogurt with a spoon and not make too much of a mess. Nana and Papa were pretty impressed with her spoon skills when they were here to visit. She'll even use a napkin to "wipe her face." Whenever I cough and cover my mouth, Summer will do the same.

She still gets scared by loud noises and will come running to us whenever a big plane goes overhead and she hates the vacuum. Of course, so do I...but for different reasons! haha!

She loves to eat whatever you have on your plate (even if she just ate) and she has started drinking from a cup, with a little help from us, but she's still doing it herself. We just make sure it hardly has any water in there. She never really had a bottle, so she's not too familiar with the whole "tilt your head back" way of drinking. After we weaned her she went straight to a sippy cup with a straw.

Whenever she is wearing socks, she'll fling them off any chance she can get, even if it's cold outside. Shoes too. She loves to take off her shoes. She loves to wear sparkly bracelets (especially Grammy's) and we got her a few with "diamonds" in her size and she wears them all the time. She'll even hold her arm up so they won't fall off. She still loves to put on other people's shoes and walk in them.

Her new favorite books are the 2 that Nana and Papa brought her. "What Does Baby Say?" and the "Mommy and Me" book. She loves that one because at the end of it is a mirror. So she loves that part! She also loves her new stuffed blue seal that Nana and Papa bought her at the Long Beach Aquarium. Papa named her "Lucille The Blue Seal", but we also call her the "Gug Seal" since Summer thinks she's a "gug" A.K.A. dog.

She has a sticker chart with right now she is more interested in peeling the stickers off and playing with them. But when she is good she'll get a sticker. She gets stickers for not fussing when we wipe her hands and face after she eats, for letting Mama brush her teeth in the bathtub (and not fussing) and for not fussing when we change her diaper. So far those are the only times she'll but up some resistance, but we've been tackling it pretty good with the sticker chart! She is totally aware that she gets stickers when she is good!

We're trying to keep her on a pretty consistent schedule. Right now it sort of looks like this:

Between 7-7:30 am she wakes up and plays while I fix her breakfast.

Between 7:30-9 she eats and plays. (sometimes she eats for a looong time!)

Between 9-10:30 we'll either go for a walk through the park or we'll play in the house and watch her Baby Einstein DVD-depending on the weather.

Around 10:30 we'll have a little light lunch snack, something with chicken to last her through her nap.

Around 11:30 I try to put her down for her nap. We'll read some books and have some milk.

If I'm lucky she'll sleep from about noon til about 2-2:30ish.

Whenever she wakes up we'll have another little light snack. She doesn't eat much for her lunch snacks. Which is fine since she eats so much during breakfast and dinner. So we try to make the lunch snacks count with lots of protein!

(We don't really run any errands after her nap unless we really need to. She will sometimes wake up fussy and we're gearing up for the night time routine so sometimes we'll sit and snuggle and read more books or we'll color and play with stickers or if she's having a really fussy afternoon we'll sit on the couch with a warm milk and a blanket and snuggle while we watch a calm DVD with classical music. It all depends.)

Around 4pm I "try" to start making dinner , but it's hard with a fussy baby at your feet.

Dada gets home around 5:30ish and he'll play with Summer so I can finish dinner and we'll usually be eating around 6pm. After diner we play and about 6:45 we start the bath.

If all is going well, abut 7:15-7:30 we get her out of the bath and in her jammies. We read a few books, she has some warm milk and Dada dances with her and puts her to bed. Sometimes she'll fall asleep in her bed, but most of the time she fights it and cries for about 5 minutes until she falls asleep. She's just like her Dada! Always fighting sleep!

Hopefully by 8pm, sometimes even 8:30 she is fast asleep. She'll usually cry out a few times starting around 11pm, but won't wake up. She can be a very restless sleeper. On occasion, we'll have to go in her room and help to rock her back to sleep. But she can usually soothe herself back to sleep. Which is the goal!

(Of course, while I finish writing this post, it's 12:08pm and I have been trying to get her to calm down from playing and take her afternoon nap! She was all hyped up and was drinking her milk like it was the last milk on earth then she was jumping and bouncing in her crib, totally nowhere sleep. Then I smelled poop. Ugh! Ar you kidding me? Ok, change your diaper, try to get you calm once again and put down for a nap. She cried in protest when I left her room for about 3 minutes...and so far it's been 2 minutes and I haven't heard another peep....But I have thought that before and I have gone up to her door to check and as I slowly creep up to the crack in her door, trying not to make the hardwood crack and squeak under my feet, gently push the door open hoping to find a sleeping baby, but only to find that she is standing at the edge of her crib staring at me. We make eye contact....I'm hoping she didn't see me, her mouth opens and she says....."up!"

Ugh! Little stinker!

I blame Dada!

Pain in the...back.

2009-10-08T13:33:00.001-07:00

I have been blessed with a back that lets me know when I have done too much and when I need to do more. It's quite possibly the bossiest person I know, reminding me on a daily basis of it's existence in my world..."locking" it into my brain. Sending me constant updates and tweets. "I don't care this much about you!" ...Sorry, I take that back. Don't hurt me.

My back; consuming more of my daily thoughts than should be legal. Taking away days at a time, forcing me to sit (preferably against a bag of ice) and reflect on healthier, stronger days...most of which were yesterday! My back is quite frankly a pain in my ass. Like an unfaithful boyfriend, going out on me when you least expect it, when all I try to do is treat it nice.

My back has never had my back...unless I cater to it every single day and pay all sorts of attention to it regardless of what I have planned....like a high maintenance ex roommate who refuses to get over the boyfriend who dumped her two years ago. You know who you are. Constantly reminding me. Constantly on my case.

I have been blessed with a back that knows what it wants, lets me know how it feels, and will go to extreme lengths to get me to pay more attention to it. We've been through so much together. Pregnancy, nursing, millions of hormones turning joints and muscles into "loosey-goosey" mush....car accidents. Don't get me started on the car accidents.

Remember the good old days when we were in the pilates studio 5 days a week? You hardly made a peep. You were so sweet and kind and unobtrusive and calm. You were the epitome of strength and support. I thought so fondly of you then. Such a nice back.

Which reminds me! My back also knows just how to humiliate me. "How does a Pilates Instructor have a bad back?" Exactly.

I am extremely blessed for this very vocal, very bossy, very pushy, very stubborn back. At least that is the positive spin I'm trying to attach to it after all these years. It's either that or start waking up at 5am and hitting the pilates studio again. Did I mention I'm an overtired new mom? Nevermind the fact that she is 18 months old. In the grand-scheme-of-life-bigger-picture-here...I'm a new mom dammit!

Can we divorce a body part? Just askin'....

Goodbye Summer~Hello Fall!

2009-10-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

It's so nice that it's finally starting to cool off. It's officially pumpkin spice latte season, or as others like to refer to it as, Fall.

We are no longer eating dinner outdoors under the covered patio and Paris bistro lights. I am no longer opening all the windows, closing the blinds and turning on all the fans before 9am. We have deflated the blow-up kiddie pool and tucked it away til Spring. But we are also no longer taking after dinner walks because it's getting too dark too soon.

Today, the house is filled with the smells of rosemary pork in the crockpot with red rose potatoes, and I'm still in my jammies sipping my morning latte that I have heated and reheated several times while Summer is taking her afternoon nap.

Summer has always been my favorite time of year and I am always sad to see it go. Mainly because I have my birthday in the summer and I have always enjoyed celebrating my birthday. But after it starts to cool down a bit (there is just something so wrong with 100 degree days in late September!) I find myself welcoming the cooler weather. Growing up in Southern California, we don't really experience "seasons" here, but it does get cold. (For a So Cal native anyway!) That was probably one of the hardest things to get used to living on Kauai. The weather NEVER changed! Yes it rained, yes it got really windy. But the sun was still shining and the heat was still blazing...which is real fun when it's raining. But it's the jungle after all! Even paradise has it's downside.

Having a child of my own, I'm looking forward to all of the holiday traditions as well as starting new ones. And now she is old enough to enjoy opening presents, smelling scented candles, walking around holding her tiny pumpkins. It's very cute!

Over the next few months I'm looking forward to:

*Halloween and dressing Summer up as Snow White and getting her picture taken.

*Carving pumpkins

*Our Baby Halloween Party! (Can't wait to see all the babies in their costumes!)

*Thanksgiving and visiting Todd's Grandma and family in Az.

*Cooking a big turkey dinner!

*Making homemade cranberry sauce and cranberry butter!! Mmmm!

*Making homemade pumpkin cookies (thanks Erinn!!)

*Picking out our Christmas tree with Summer!

*Christmas cards and pictures and catching up with long lost family and friends.

*Apple cider and eggnog and homemade bread pudding!

*Taking Summer to see Santa and getting her picture taken.

*Christmas dresses!

*Making gingerbread houses and Christmas cookies!

*Christmas parties!

And of course Christmas day!

Happy Autumn Everyone!!

The Life of a 17 month old Toddler

2009-09-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

17 months and counting...

Summer's new words are:

*poop

*bubbles

*ball

*row, row, row...(as in the song)

*blue (and she'll point to the blue flower on her wall by her changing table.)

*nose (while she is pointing at it)

*color (which sounds like "GaGa")...but she is using it in the correct context, so I'll give it to her!

*diaper "die-die" (and she'll pat her diaper.)

*balloon

*Yea-Yea! (when you ask her a question, do you want to do....?) or she'll say;

*Nah!

And last but not least, her new word is:

*A-Ga!

-We're not really sure what it means, but she sure says it over and over and with gusto! So it obviously means SOMETHING!! Sometimes it's a question, sometimes it's a statement, sometimes she sings it sweetly pairing it with "Dada" and sometimes it's like she is getting ready to "Karate Chop" something. Aside from "Dada, it's her favorite word.

She is still saying:

*I love you

*mama

*dada

*mum mum (which is for the baby cracker "mum mums", but she says it for all manner of yummy/crunchy/sweet/cookie/cracker thing.)

*up (which also means freedom...as in give me my freedom from whatever situation I want out of!)

*dog "gug"

*Hi-ya!

*hello? (which sounds like He-woa?) She says it whenever any type of "phone noise" is made.

She makes a cute noise when she is eating something yummy, like mmmMMMmmm! It's very sing-songy and cute.

She makes the sign for:

*milk (milkies)

*all done (She also says "all gone" while she is making the sign, which also means "all done.")

*diamond (as in Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...like a diamond...blah, blah, blah)

*more

and she does these little "pincher fingers" which translates into "gimmie...."

She'll also make "diamond" when I ask her to say please. Very cute! Like a little present she is giving me.

She'll pat her diaper when you ask her where her diaper is.

She pull up her shirt when you ask her where her belly button is and she'll point to it.

She'll point to her toes and her hair whenever we sing this one song at Gymboree that mentions "toes" and "hair".

She'll eat her whole meal, drop food on the floor (because she's done) and wouldn't take money if you offered it to her to finish her meal. However, the minute you put her down, finding the food on the floor is like striking gold and you sitting down to eat your breakfast has suddenly made her starving to death and she MUST HAVE whatever you are eating. Even if you literally just took her out of her high chair because she was "all gone."

She loves to push buttons, turn on and off the fan and her music in her crib, "text" on the blackberry and listen to music and babble to her monkey and dance and sing songs with mama. She is always walking around singing a little song that only she knows the words and the tune.

She now puts her toys away when we sing the "Gymboree Clean Up-Clean Up" song...we've learned to love that song as it has come in handy.

She loves to sit in her little chair and watch Baby Einstein DVD's and eat mum mums.

She loves stickers and has a sticker chart and is TOTALLY aware when mama says "Don't fuss while I'm wiping off your face/changing your diaper/wiping your nose and you'll get a sticker." And she makes sure that a sticker is produced when you promise said sticker! Her favorite thing is to pull the stickers off her "Good Girl" sticker chart and stick and re-stick them on anything and everything until there is no stick left in the sticker.

She loves to walk in other people's shoes. Literally.

She laughs whenever I say, "Dada", or "say hi to dada."

Whenever I say "no" to something her response is "Dada!"

She'll give you a hug or a kiss or do the same to her monkey or baby doll and she always says "Ahhhhh!" (Like, ahhh, how sweet!)

And the best of all, she'll come running into my arms when I scrunch down and hold my arms open to her. I love it! She's my little sweetheart who is almost 18 months old! Where did the time go??

I guess I better get her 1 year pictures taken soon, huh??

My first attempt at writing and publishing a blog in the time it takes Summer to eat lunch!

2009-09-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

Saw Elizabeth Gilbert last night, author of Eat, Pray, Love. She told me to write everyday and not to judge it too harshly...so here I am...writing and not judging. Heck, I'm not even going to proof read before I hit "Publish Post." OK, that' s a lie, but I'm not going to save it to post for later and end up getting it deleted like the last 2 posts I never got to post. (Insert sad face.)

So write everyday. I told myself that same thing not too long ago, then life gets in the way. Or rather, Facebook, I Am Pregnant (message board) and e mails get in the way. I'd like to say that dishes and floor scrubbing and laundry folding gets in the way of writing, but alas, I'd be lying. However, lately, my chiropractic appointments have gotten in the way. My search for a painless life is still underway...

According to Ketut in the book, Eat, Pray, Love, I need to meditate on the pain...or the disappearance of pain I should say. But I'm afraid I have been born into the wrong culture. As a Westerner even a chiropractor is considered "out of the box". So to meditate away my back pain that has anatomically caused my pelvis to shift and tilt on it's axis is sort of...well, quackery. However, I'm at the end of my rope in a sense with this back pain, that I think I'll try anything. I've told myself for years that I would never to go a chiropractor, yet here I am, 10 sessions into it and I feel that aside from doing regular pilates and swimming laps, it is the only thing that seems to be helping.

Join me next month when I dare to try....acupuncture!

Please comment with your thoughts on chiro or acupuncture!

Status Update:

2009-08-14T11:47:00.000-07:00

Strike a pose!

Now that Todd is back from his work travels (insert extreme happy face!) I will get back to my regularly scheduled program of blogging. Please join me and I hope you enjoy!

A Summertime Photo Shoot!

2009-08-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

My good friend Susan (Suse), whom I've known since I was 13 going on 14....(actually, I think we were 14 going on 15.) We met at church camp, which cracks us both up...considering...well...whatever. We met at church camp, or as everyone liked to call it, "Camp Surf", because it's waaaaaaaaay cooler as a teenager going into 10th grade to say you have gone to "Camp Surf" on the border of San Diego and Mexico and slept in a tent on the beach under the stars, enjoyed camp fires, making HUGE messy smores, singing to acoustic guitar with adult supervision that still remains forgettable, than to say that you went to "church camp" with a bunch of dorks (you being the ring leader) where we all forgot to wear sunscreen and got fried to a crisp because we're not yet mature enough to do anything without our parents...OBVIOUSLY!

Ahhh...the good ol days! No bills, no mortgage, the only life we were responsible for was our own, (and that's stretching it! Hense the Great Sunburn Disaster of the Summer of 9th grade-going-into-10th-grade.).....the life of a teenager. We all thought we had it soooo baaaaaad, but looking back we had it soooooo_darn_good! (Thanks Mom & Dad!!)

Well, that is where I met Suse and that summer of Surf Camp/Camp Surf (I never really knew the exact name), sleeping 4+ in a 2 man tent, jumping out of trees with a trash bag as a parachute (another blog for another time, haha), Taco Bell, roller-skates, bike rides, babysitting, spending cash on candy, horror movies and talking about boys, boys, boys; we were absolutely inseparable creating memories that still make us laugh to this day with the mention of one or two words.

Fast forward.....a "few"...ahem....years, and Suse and I are both happily married and deep in the trenches of new babies, toddlers and preschoolers, careers, say-at-home-mommy-life, playdates, minivans and "practical" SUV's, deciding that a clean house isn't more important than playing with your only-so-small-for-so-long babies and trying to balance quality time with the kids, meaningful conversations with your husband that don't involve "teething", "shopping lists" or "poop stories", finding the time to reconnect with the friends who've been there from the beginning, navigating life in the work force after baby and of course the all important-but-MUCH-too-neglected ME TIME! We both agree that there is nothing sweeter than a little time by yourself to roam the isles of Target!

(I'm a big believer -HUGE believer- in me time. I feel you come back to your "life" feeling recharged and ready to tackle it once again and I make no apologies for the fact that I absolutely need and require and schedule Me Time!)

I read a friends facebook status the other day, Michele, and she wrote something like this: "I told the kids I'm taking a break and not to talk to me until my break is over!" OMG Mish!!! LOVE IT!!! It's priceless and absolutely necessary! A woman with four children is gonna have things figured out way better than a woman with just a 16 month old. (I don't know how you do it Mish! And on top of it all, her kids are absolute sweethearts! You are a goddess!!)

And as usual...I digress.

This blog is "supposed" to be about the photoshoot Summer and I had with Suse a few weeks ago at the beach. But I'm finding it's more fun to talk about old friends and nostalgic stories! I'll have to do this more often. Afterall, this blog can't be TOTALLY about life with a baby. I did in fact have a life "pre-baby"...I just can't for the life of me figure out what exactly that consisted of at this moment. haha! Aside from Surf Camp, of course.

So my friend Suse has decided to take off on a new adventure and dabble in photography, a great idea in my opinion, and we went to one of her open shoots a few weeks ago at the beach. We were the last group to arrive because Summer napped right through our original scheduled time, but it ended up working our perfectly because we were there right at "golden hour", my absolute favorite time of day, and she was able to capture some really great shots of Summer and I. (Todd was out of town on business. Insert sad face.) So I wanted to post some of these pics to share. I love them and will cherish them always. Thanks Suse!

Enjoy! It didn't give me enough room for all of them...so here are some of my favies!

Summer watching the waves crashing against the rocks.

My sweet little angel baby all snuggled up after going in the water.

I love what she did with this photo! The colors are so fun!

This is an unusual smile for me, but I really like how this one came out. It just looks very relaxed. A perfect day-at-the-beach shot. Summer looks so cute here!

Nothing is more precious than a baby laughing!

Building a sand castle for a princess!

Aloha Cutie and Lots o' Curls & Bows!

2009-07-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

Summer's first hair bows~15 1/2 months old

She's still deciding if she likes them or not.

Too many bows mama!

Is that the sweetest little baby pony tail you've ever seen? I guess it's more like a pig tail!

She held still just long enough for me to snap a pic of her curls!

Our little Island Princess (and her credit card!)

So Summer finally will let me put a bow in her hair and she looks so cute! However, most of the time she will rip it out, throw her bow on the floor then step on it as she's walking away! Little stinker! But I was able to get a few pics of her in her cute little aloha dress, and a few in her baby pig tails. I love my little princess baby!

She dropped her toys in the box, folks!

2009-07-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, this baby girl changes so much each day! I just can't believe it. Today at Gymboree we started singing the huge crowd pleaser, "the clean up, clean up song" and I watched Summer as the teacher was heading for the center of the room with her "busy box" ready to scoop up every last toy. I could almost see her thinking, "wait a sec...this is the part of the class I DON'T like!" And we all start singing so Summer stands up and I thought for sure we were gonna have a runner, but she watched in awe at how other kids were actually putting their toys away. So she thought she'd give it a try. She muscled her way through the crowd of 10-15 months old babies, got to the edge of the toy box, reached over and dropped the toy she had in her left hand. "Good girl Summer! Mama's so proud of you!" She looked longingly at the toy she just let go of, having second thoughts and was just about to drop in toy #2, when all of a sudden a brand new walker of about 1 week Javier, bumped into her throwing her off her game, dropping the toy when she wasn't ready and she panicked and started to dumpster dive! Mama swooped in and scooped her from the scene and again with the stiff arms and legs, grunts and yells.

So I'd say that's one for mama and one for baby.

*Shaking my fist* That darn Javier and his wobbly legs. We were so close...so close!

Summer and her her new love, the baby monitor.

2009-07-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how you can be around children and babies and kids all the time and when they belong to other people you don't really notice all the little things as much, the milestones, the subtle changes. But of course when they are your own, you marvel in the smallest things!

Lately, it's almost daily that Summer is doing something new and makes me think, "oh my gosh, my little baby girl is getting so big!" And although my heart is soaring for her, it sinks a little too as I think about the tiny infant who couldn't even hold her head up or uncurl her little baby fingers just a short time ago. And now she's almost 16 months old!

So yesterday she walked over to the table and grabbed her monitor and was walking around with it, holding it by the very end tip of the antennae. You know, a good sturdy spot. And ever since we've been going to Gymboree (the play and music place), I have been trying to do some similar things here at home that we do there, like have them put away their own stuff.

One of the things they do there is to bring out a box of toys to play with during class time. The "busy box." They only let them play with this new, exciting stuff for like 2 minutes, then they sing the "clean up, clean up" song and make the babies put everything back in the box, which just pisses Summer off to no end! haha! The first few times we were there and they had them clean up so fast making a few babies cry, Summer included I was thinking, "this seems a little rushed that they are already cleaning up", because the "busy box" of toys is so exciting and such a huge hit! Why rock the boat? She has cried a few times, and still will if she hasn't had a nap before class, but she's getting better about putting the toys back so soon. We haven't actually gotten to the point of her going up to the box and dropping in her loot and waving "bye-bye", but we're working on it. Right now we're still at the point where I have to prep her for clean up when I see the lady head for the box and walk her over to the box (sort of like walking a dog through the vets door), and say, "ok Summy, say bye-bye, time to clean up, put it back in the box", etc. This is usually followed by me having to then pry the musical instrument, ball, rattle, etc., out of her sweaty little baby hands and convince her that this is fun! Sometimes she goes for it and sometimes it ends in arms and legs stiffening up like a soldier and animal grunts coming from the bottom of her throat while she is kind of bouncing in protest.

Other kids are happy to pick up every toy they see on the ground and drop it in the box. Not Summer, she'd rather take things out faster than everyone else is putting them in and stash them away for future play. And you can see her little baby mind working; "ok if I tuck this toy here and squeeze this here I can fit this here and hold this here." Sorry baby girl, we're singing the clean up song. Doesn't it sound happy and fun? Everyone loves to clean up! (The first lie we are teaching our baby!) haha!

So long story short, I'm trying to not just take things out of her hands that she isn't supposed to have and then redirect her onto something else. I do sometimes if we are in a hurry or it's the end of the day and mama needs a glass of wine! But mostly I'm trying to take the time to teach her to put it back and get something else. Yesterday was a breakthrough and mama almost wept!

Summer grabbed her monitor and started walking through the house with it and when I saw it I thought, "crap, I forgot to move it from the coffee table from when she was napping!" So I said, "no-no, go put it back on the table." and at first I thought, "yea right Colleen, this is gonna work." Then she stopped and gave me a look like she knew she wasn't supposed to have it and kinda stood there and then shook her head "no" and said, "Dada?" As if Dada will say yes. So I thought, "well, maybe this will work." So I said again, "no-no Summer, go put it back on the table." (I kinda had to say it a few times and use lots of sign language motioning to the table.) and she actually turned around and walked back over to the table! I was so proud. So I said, "good girl Summy! Good girl!" Well, mama made too quick with the endless praise because said monitor antennae was yet to be pried from her pudgy little grip. So she lifted it back off the table, looking at me with the "I know I'm not supposed to be doing this face" and again I started at square one. "Put it back on the table." We played a few rounds of "if I set it on the table, but still hold the tip of the antennae is it considered putting it back?" game.

I resisted the urge to just walk over and gently remove it from her hands and give her something else to play with. I was trying to teach her that it was OK to put something back on your own. Plus, she wasn't really going to do any damage to the monitor, I figured we'd just take the time to do learn something new. I tried to hold back my "good girl Summer" praises until she actually released her grip, but I still wanted her to know that she was doing what mama wanted her to. So I fused the two and said, "good girl Summer, put it back on the table." and although she was reluctant she actually set it down and let go as opposed to just rubbing it all over the top of the table appearing to have put it back, and she walked away clapping! So of course mama was thrilled and was singing her praises. Summer was giddy and clapping for herself and actually seemed proud of her accomplishments. Then we did a "high-5", something we just learned the other day.

...and as quickly as Juliet searches for her forbidden lover Romeo, Summer walked back over to her baby monitor, rescued him off the coffee table and made a mad dash in the opposite direction.

*sigh*

Baby steps mama, baby steps.

Ahhh...Saturday morning pilates in the park!

2009-07-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

So refreshing, so relaxing, so invigorating and such a great way to start off the day! I was chatting with Carmen (one of the ladies in my class) and we were talking about group classes indoors vs. outside in the fresh air and the warm breeze, and we like it outside so much better! Every Saturday we see either butterflies, humming birds, dragon flies, or sometimes we see everything as we lie in the shade under the canopy of trees taking deep breaths in and exhaling everything out. Calm, serene, beautiful.

I love it!

*Poipu Beach palm tree, Kauai.

Blogger is the new facebook. (Or at least for me it is anyway.)

2009-07-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

In an effort to redirect my few and far between "free time" moments into something more productive, I have decided to ditch my networking sites for the "pen" and focus more on my writing. Over the years my hard bound leather journals and spiral notebooks have slowly and reluctantly been replaced by my new found friend; the lap top. So this is where I'll continue to journal, to find the creativity that has been lost in the chaos of becoming a new mother, to post my photography, to rant and rave and of course...blog.

...More soon to come. Feel free to follow and comment as you please.

*I shot this photo in June 07 on the east side of the Island of Kauai.